To be honest, it was kind of one of those weekends, too, but the malaise I thought would have blown over by day's end continued to hang around my head like a cartoon rain cloud.
I tried my best to be positive, I really did. I had had some trouble sleeping which was probably not the best way to start things off, and I think I'm coming down with something, but I bravely (not really) sucked it up and got up, albeit, later than I should have.
I hate feeling sad or mopey around the holidays. I love the holidays. But when bad things happen near them, it compounds the sad into a big mushball of sad that I have to carry around with me, all Atlas-like. And I'd be lying if some of the recent tragic events in the 'States didn't have something to do with it. But, guiltily, some stuff in my own life compounded that misery.
I don't go in much for astrology but I'm pretty much a textbook Cancer. Love home and family, love making friends feel comfortable, love being moody and emotional. All of that, yes. So the other day when some bummer news for me meant good news for my coworker friends, I admit I was a bit conflicted. I was genuinely happy for them. The people who are getting this opportunity are great people, good workers and I'm thrilled for them. But, y'know, I kind of wish I could've joined in their good news, instead of waiting to see if I'd get similar good tidings, pressing F5 like I press the "Door Close" button when I see someone I don't want to share an elevator ride with. Ultimately, I'll be in the same boat as them one day but for now, it meant big adventures for them next year and ... not so much for me. Add to that some entirely unpleasant exchanges on a totally different topic, missing people this time of year and.. yeah. I was basically this:
And really, there's not much you can do when you feel like this. You mope, yeah, maybe you even allow a furtive sniffle or two in the wee hours of the morning. But all you can really do is wait for it to pass. And be upset. Which, sometimes, just feels effin' right. Just some time to be disappointed, aghast at the world, questioning of your own future, full of self-doubt, all Sturm und Drang and no Sugar and Spice, yeah? Which some of my friends (and maybe the one I share a house with) didn't get, but that's okay. Their hearts were in the right place and, as a Cancer, I totally get that feeling of just wanting to make things better.
All this to say, I'm better now. Sushi helped. Playing Rock Band helped. Wrapping presents didn't really help, it turns out, because it makes your back hurt and reminds you of how much you still have left to do. Family helped. Until we argued about the correct number of, and system to hang, Christmas lights. But then, at least, my frustration was transferred somewhat, so let's go ahead and stick that in the "help" column.
My favourite quote of all time is from Max Ehrmann's poem Desiderata (actually the whole poem is boss, go take a look). I try to think of it when times are especially difficult. It doesn't always work but as a mantra for someone who's not particularly religious, it's been pretty good at storm-calming so far.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Nice, yeah? I've been whispering it a lot these past few days. And, maybe as a gentle nod to what I was going through, a few posters I ordered on Etsy arrived at the tail end of the terrible weekend.
|Get one just like it here!|
A good reminder. Don't forget to test out those vocal cords, kids. Merry and bright.