2016: The Wig That Was

2016 was one of those strange years where I knew it was going to be full from tip to tail in advance; it didn’t disappoint. Almost every aspect of my life changed, and almost all for the better. That doesn’t mean it was easy – god, no – but it was rewarding. And, like my friend Kait asked for after 2008 brought her a marriage, a move, and a new job – I just want a year where nothing changes. Here’s to the year that made me crazy and crazy excited.

2016 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?

Wore a wedding ring, spoke on behalf of my country in an international forum, hired a financial planner.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I made them, but didn’t really expect to keep them, given the chaos that lay ahead. Some were, as always, more successful than others. I casually kept my classics:

• Read 6 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes

And I failed on all but the second one because, fatty.  For the first time in forever I didn’t read a single book last year. Not one. I started some, sure. I half-heartedly picked up a couple and leafed through them and made a pile of “books to bring with me” and “books to store” when the movers came, but nothing came of it. I was disgusted with that revelation so I’m reading a book now and… I’m finding it hard to get back into the habit. I skim too much, get distracted. My smart phone has really eaten my brain, I’m afraid. So the new resolution is one book a quarter, 4 books in all. Just to train myself again. Just to say I can.

New restaurants back in Ottawa didn’t materialize because we wanted so badly to visit old favourites before we moved. We did, however, enjoy the clever, tasty food at MeNa but the portions were laughably small and unsatisfying, even for us and the sister who are used to delightfully whimsical small plates. Like, 6 courses means I should not be craving a McDouble at the end of the meal. Unfortunately, it’s a common complaint, apparently. We went to Heirloom Café in Almonte a few times this year and they are truly wonderful. Local, fresh tasting food; cozy, rustic atmosphere, and a menu that consistently presents too many options. This was the last restaurant I visited as an unmarried gal and it was an excellent choice for a last meal (get it? Because marriage is like a death sentence? So fun. ) Over the holidays we tried Bar Laurel, which replaced our beloved Back Lane Café (will always be the restaurant we went to the night my mom died, but also the restaurant my sister introduced us to for her birthday, so good memories, really). It’s another small plate place but innovative and good quality food. Not cheap but I came away absolutely stuffed and there were tonnes of things we wanted to try on the menu, which is always a nice surprise.

Here in DC we were blown away by fancy-pants Jaleo, whose $25 lunch is a staggeringly good deal. We also fell in love with Mi Cuba Café which is as unpretentious as it is delicious. I have actual deep in my bones cravings for their food from time to time.

Other favourites:

• Busboys and Poets
• Tryst
• The Diner

But honestly? My favourite foodie discoveries (other than being near a Trader Joe’s – thank god!) have been at the Dupont Circle Farmers Market. So much creativity and deliciousness, we can’t get away from there without a full bag of something new for us to make (TB) or eat (me.)

In fact, I think the reason I’ve “failed” at making 12 new dishes this year is because TB is really coming into his own as a cook. And I’m happy to let him, tbh.

2017 feels like a new beginning, like a chance to really settle in so I’m really going to try and make some resolutions:

1. Take better care of my health. Free access to the American medical system and a new doctor means we are trying to pay more attention to our bodies. TB’s cholesterol /sugar is not good so we’re undertaking to give up pop/juice (harder for him than me, to be sure), eat less sugar in general, and join a gym. I’d also like to be better about flossing. I love that our new doctor didn’t make any comments about weight, just said “try to move 3 times a week, eat less sugar and buy clothes that fit. I’ve been doing this for over 40 years and I’ve never seen anyone  have sustained weight loss. Just keep your numbers decent” I love him.
2. Eat 12 new ingredients and add 12 new recipes to our arsenal. TB’s been really good about preparing dinners and I’d like to see what we can throw into the weekly mix. Man cannot live by meatloaf alone (though we try)
3. Go on more social outings. Our social circle here shrunk down to each other and the dog, which has been an adjustment. We’ve been trying to go out to brunch and events and such with folks here, but even if we just go out together among strangers, it’s the being around people that feels social, so I’m going to advocate for more of that.
4.   Keep up with Spanish. I have accepted that I am just horrible with languages and need more maintenance than most to keep up. I’m going to try and do something Spanishy – whether that’s my weekly hour long Spanish class, listening to news or telenovelas, or practising online – 3 times a week.
5.    Drink more water. Because why not?
6. Use up more samples. I have so much makeup and toiletry samples lying about that I really need to start pairing them down. I don’t want to be a stockpiler like on “Extreme Couponing”
7.  Pay off our American credit card by September (coincidentally enough, when it starts collecting interest)

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend Kait, mentioned above, gave birth to her third son, who seems just as adorable and feisty as the first two. A few people I used to work with gave birth. I mean, I’m 34. This is basically just life now.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

My dad’s sister died, which was weird because no one really knew how to react. I didn’t see my dad cry, he didn’t go to her funeral (it was across the country and 2 weeks before our wedding) and he and his sister had not lived in the same city or been very close in years. She was a loud, bright personality, whose ways often clashed with her clan’s, leading to a lot of extended familial stress. I was able to offer some help to her daughter, my cousin, which made me feel useful, although that girl has her head on better about this stuff then I did 2 years ago, that’s for sure.

Also, I cried when leonard cohen died, which surprised me. I think it was the final straw in what had been a really difficult couple of weeks.

5.  What countries did you visit?

I went to Costa Rica for three weeks in March where I lived with a family which was an introvert’s nightmare but they were kind and giving. We visited Washington DC in June and liked it so much we moved there in August. Well, not exactly, but how cool would we have seemed if that’s how it happened?

6.  What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

A dog without seizures and a bladder stone. Clothes that don’t cling to my ampler-than-usual butt and tummy. A budget. Better sleeping habits.

7.  What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 21: we done got hitched.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Gosh, there were so many. I think, honestly, the Costa Rica trip feels like it was the least like me. Going to a country where I don’t speak the language well, to live in the house of a family I don’t know, going on trips to beaches and climbing volcanoes and hiking to waterfalls? The most anti-me trip I can think of. But I did it.

Also, sticking to my guns and not inviting people to my wedding that I didn’t want there made me really proud.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

I left Costa Rica early, which I don’t regret but it makes me feel like a bit of a failure. My therapist and I worked on how to silence those voices, but on bad days they still get me. Also, I bombed my Spanish final and that has really affected how I see myself in my job so… I wish I was one of those people who was just good at languages, instead of having to fight for it. I also wish I’d saved our personal inventory before 1am 2 days before we moved when the whole thing fucked up. That was… not my best moment.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

For the first time in forever I was sick over Christmas. Just a cold, but it was a doozy. Couldn’t taste a thing, and didn’t really feel like myself again until the 3^rd. Other than that, I was pretty healthy this year.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Oh man.. how do you pick? I mean, if a wedding can be “bought” I pick that one- I was literally happy with every vendor and every purchase made. If that doesn’t count, the doggie diapers we bought saved my sanity. Don’t you wish you’d stuck with the wedding answer now?

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

We refer to my wedding day as “our” wedding day – i.e. my sisters, Jax, TB and I  - because it felt like that. No matter what I threw at our team- they rallied and made it better than I could have dreamed. I never was made to feel like a burden or a Bridezilla and I was just so amazingly grateful. They made our day so magical. I can’t even answer this question, really, because everyone – our parents, our friends, our coworkers – so many people reached out in love to us and we just felt so lucky to have attracted as many wonderful people as we have.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

That being said – I’d be lying if I said my feelings weren’t hurt by a family member who seemed to go out of his way to be annoying and obtuse about the whole affair. But I’m mostly over that now.

Also, the 2016 election was not a highlight for most people’s behaviour.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Wedding stuff, Clothing, eating out, and taxis. <---  this answer isn’t that far off for this year, either. However, the added expenses of moving house and fixing up a house to rent were far beyond what I was expecting. Especially when you don’t have an SSN and everyone wants money upfront.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Aw, come on – I gotta answer wedding for this one! I never once had cold feet about any of it – I’ve never felt so good about a day in my whole life.

 Also seeing a play at Ford’s Theatre, seeing David Cross live, meeting Alex Trebek, and our big move to Washington were highlights.

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2016?

Take me Home, Country Roads – John Denver

Africa – Toto

Closer- chainsmokers (I heard this song EVERYWHERE when we first moved to DC)

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

ii. Thinner or fatter?

iii. Richer or poorer?

i. Happier, absolutely.

ii. I think about the same, which is still the fattest I’ve ever been haha

iii. More in debt, but with more in investments and savings so..maybe even?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reading, studying, knockin’ boots.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Ugh, officially addicted to my phone. It’s my number one way to relax and pass the time and I hatelove it.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

This was my first time “coming home” for Christmas, and I finally get all the clichés. It was really really nice. The aforementioned sickness meant that I was a bit slow and plodding most of the day. However,  that was okay since it was our first ever Christmas with no visitors in the morning, which was actually great. We made devilled eggs and cinnamon buns and smoked salmon dip and gorged while taking our time opening presents. My family was far too generous yet again, and we laughed lots. Due to a last minute change in plans, my cousin was able to make it up for dinner with my uncle so we had dinner together. Still the usual amount of family irritation, but it was made up for by a healthy dose of family gossip, which gave me life. The snow was plentiful, we walked the dog in the snow, the turkey was cooked perfectly for once (since my mom died, my dad has not got the hang of turkey making. This was his first absolute success after two Christmas attempts and a thanksgiving) and everyone liked their gifts. A total success.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

We had rented a hotel room just in case, since TB’s sister had mentioned her friends would be partying together downtown and we were invited. However, the illness that felled me, got all four of us in the end, so I cancelled the room last minute (saving myself a bundle, honestly) and we all hunkered down at my in-laws (I have in-laws!) where we drank cheap sparkling wine, watched the ball drop, played games and nibbled at food. It turned out to be quite nice, even amongst our Kleenex towers.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2016?

Legally, yes.

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually. <---- Never changing this answer.

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

Another year for good TV. Bloodline, Stranger Things (which inspired our Christmas card!), Better Call Saul, plus this amazing channel we get with our basic cable that only shows classic game shows from the 80s and earlier. I’m in love.

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah, perpetually annoyed, of course, but no one I really hate. Some of the things said by certain people who will be taking over a certain high-powered position however, pushed me to my limits…

26.  What was the best book you read?

We've talked about this.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I got the Hamilton LP and that’s been a fun discovery, though we’re only now starting to get into it. We got our record player set up this year so I’m looking forward to actually having to listen to the vinyl we’ve been amassing lately.

28.  What did you want and get?

A beautiful , hilarious, love-filled day with almost all of my favourite people, a house in a lovely neighbourhood in DC, renters for our house back in Canada

29.  What did you want and not get?

The first female president of the United States. All my international folks at the wedding.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

Ghostbusters made me cry, because I would have loved it so hard when I was a little girl. Really fun, funny movie. Fantastic Beasts and where to find them I technically saw January 2^nd but I loved it, too. Was not expecting much, but was so pleasantly surprised. Totally beautiful, engaging movie.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

The actual day we had *just* gotten back from Washington hours earlier, so we were basically braindead. My dad and sister came over, they made me a flaming dessert, we put the dog in a Canada onesie-  it was lovely. The next day, we threw a party at the house, and we drank flaming shots and had such a lovely time that I remember nearly none of it. And then I was 34.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A bigger kitchen or a basement in this place (our house is bigger and has two washrooms but the downgrades in some respects are irritating), more sleep, if I had the ability to concentrate on anything ever.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

You really have to split the year in two: from January – August (and on weekends now), it was a continuation of what I called “business grunge”. I had to pick it up starting in September so now I’ll call it “professional  funk”. Basically a lot of booties, some sequins, and pants that are probably just leggings with a button.

34.  What kept you sane?

My therapist and I parted ways in August when I moved, but the work we did over those 18 months was some of the hardest, best stuff I’ve done for myself. My wedding party/tribe made me believe everything was possible and had fun while we got it done. They sacrificed time and money to make sure things went smoothly and I love them for it forever.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

16 years running: Paul Rudd. Also, lame duck Obama is my everything.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

It’s hard to pick one aspect of the American election, but it feels incorrect to say the election as a whole was just one issue. I believe in the innate goodness of the American people and I was admittedly shaken by the result. Seeing that 3 million more people did not vote for trump than voted for him made me feel marginally better, but the level of discourse around the whole event… it’s so depressing. I’m still not really over it. And I feel so badly for my American loved ones.

37.  Who did you miss?

My mom and my grandparents until the end of days. <--- why change what’s true?

Time with Jax just made me ache when she left. I love that girl. Having everyone around for the wedding actually made me feel their absence more acutely right after.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

Probably Jen, a girl I went on training with but then became a friend once we both moved here. My colleagues are really nice people, too. It’s hard making friends as an adult – you feel so vulnerable.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

That you can’t control everything – only your reaction to it.

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

God only knows what I’d be without you

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2015: The Wig That Was

I debated whether to do the year end survey this year. It was too late, it was too boring a year, etc. etc. But this year's review ended up feeling more important than usual, if only because I've talked so little about this year, in person or online. Taking stock of one of the quietest years of my life makes sense to me, especially as I begin to embark on one of the loudest.

2015 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

Saw a psychologist, submitted and had a report published in Parliament, went to a bridal show.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did, but halfheartedly as I honestly didn't know how this year was going to go. They were:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes
• Try to become at least a shadow of who I once was

The reading resolution didn't fall apart so much as it never got started at all. Something no one tells you about grieving is that it really robs you of your ability to concentrate. I was desperate to lose myself in a story or a movie, but I was so sleepy, so fitful, that I could never stay with anything. I read exactly one book, the Offbeat Bride book, and it was cute, but more a book of anecdotes rather than a useful "how-to". I liked it, though, and it helped sort of give me a snapshot of what I could expect from the Wedding Industrial Complex. I do want to try reading again, and I feel like I'm in a better place now. I think I'll aim for 6 rather than 12 next year, just to encourage myself. 

The "new restaurants" resolution is never a challenge and even in this slow and plodding year I crushed it. I'll probably make a separate entry on them, because we really had some stellar meals this year.

The other side of this of course is that I cooked almost nothing this year. I relied a lot on ready made meals and local take-in, and my waistline paid for it.

And finally... I'd like to think I'm still me. It took me a long time to look in the mirror again, to sing to myself as I put on my makeup, to wake up and feel like the world was my fucking oyster because it was Saturday. But I do those things now. I make jokes easily, I saute kale, I buy cute clothes, I am something approaching myself. Sometimes. Sometimes I just sit and stare and wonder what it would feel like to be carried away by the wind or, on bad days, the front of a Chevy.

My buddy Sarah told me something that helped: you're not missing anything, you just carry something extra now. I'm trying to think that way when I feel detached from who I was before. Sarah is super smart and makes a lot of sense.

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

Another few acquaintances from University and old workplaces, TB's cousin- you know, my Facebook timeline basically gave birth. Welcome to your 30s.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

No,  thank whatever you wish. My mom's good friend died in April and my grandfather's brother died in December, but I wasn't very close to either of them and didn't attend either funeral. Though the thought of my mom having to lose another friend gutted me. The thought that she wasn't around to be gutted in the first place broke me again.

5.  What countries did you visit?

The idea of moving forward, physically or mentally seemed absolutely impossible when the year began. In the end, I only visited one place, but I visited there three times. I went where my heart beats: Montreal. TB bought me tickets to Postmodern Jukebox as a pick-me-up in May and we actually had a really fun time. It went so well, in fact, that I went back in July to see some comedy shows with my sister and it was a fantastic trip. Then we all went back in October for more comedy and good food and shopping and laughing at stupid things and being dorks. They were all pretty great, honestly.

6.  What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

A dog that didn't have occasional seizures. Clothes that fit better. A good night's sleep. Access to a Target. Good god I miss Target Canada.

7.  What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 30th: when my favourite guy asked if I wanted to hang out forever.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

In mid-January, I went back to work and that day felt so heavy, so impossible that I couldn't think how I'd ever get to 5:30, never mind how I'd continue to get up, day after day for the next 20 years. But I did it, and then I did it again, and I still keep doing it, and that's really good.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

So the other side of that achievement is that my bar has been reset really, really low. I used to be kind of late for work. Now I'm really late. Like.. 30-45 minutes late. And I take off at least one day a month to just breathe. And that feels like a failure to me. And it makes my already crippling impostor syndrome go into overdrive ("I don't deserve a job"/"I'm letting every one down"/"anyone could do this job better than me"). But I'm working on beating myself up less. And on getting more sleep, which I hope leads to less late mornings.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was really violently ill this Fall with some really gross stomach bug that I kindly shared with Owen. What really boiled my potatoes was that it made me break a 7-year no-vomit streak. Emetophobia is a cruel master.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Gosh, that's a hard one. The motto "treat yo self" became a battle cry as my sister and I justified every purchase with a "you deserve it!" I probably have already forgotten a thousand things that I pronounced "necessary" minutes before buying them.

However, I bought the most amazing pair of boots this year, whose existence in my closet makes me happy. Paired with this new sweatshirt it's the closest thing I've got to a uniform.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

My trio of sisters from various misters really took care of me this year. Jax,C, and Sarah kept me laughing, let me cry, kept me present and lifted me up. My sister made me feel less alone and TB tried his very best to roll with my punches and still decided to hitch his wagon to this falling star. My dad really did try hard to be a better man, and even though that still weirds me out like crazy some days, I appreciate the drive behind it. My fu

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Cleaning out a familial home doesn't bring out the best in anyone, I'm just going to leave that as-is.

Also, the niqab hail-mary attempt to incite xenophobia to win the election. And most men on the internet.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Wedding stuff, Clothing, eating out, and taxis. There are worse problems to have, I know. My decadent lifestyle is simply too much.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing John Mulaney live. Celebrating my birthday with Jax for the first time in yonks. Getting to see some of my favourite folks at our big shindig. The return of Wet Hot American Summer and Mr. Show!

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2015?

Uptown Funk - Bruno Mars
Shut Up And Dance - Walk the Moon

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
ii. Thinner or fatter?
iii. Richer or poorer?

Happier, but it would be hard not to be.
Fatter. Probably the fattest I've ever been? Soak it in.
About the same, probably. Actually.. wedding stuff... poorer. Definitely poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reading, staying in touch, cooking.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

It would be easy to say "crying" but actually, the crying I did felt terrible in the moment and satisfying afterwards so screw that. Up with crying!

 I do wish I'd spent less here and there. And it would be great to get some of my crippling fears under control.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas was good. Christmas Eve was 20 degrees so everyone was on patios and leaving their coats at home. So so strange. Went to school in the morning then to my folks' place that night with Lily. We ate too much food, left a letter for Santa (couldn't manage it last year), wrapped a few gifts and headed to bed. Christmas Day the family friend who usually comes by came by, then my uncle and cousin came by for dinner. My family hit it out of the park on presents this year, just really, really well done. There were a couple of annoying family moments but ultimately, it was really nice. Solid Christmas, that.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

Lowkey. We had considered going to a friend's house but there had been a huge snowstorm a few days prior and we decided against it. Just me and TB, ordered sushi and walked around the neighbourhood. Listened to our neighbours countdown and kissed by the streetlamp. Aww *puke*

22.  Did you fall in love in 2015?

Further in, yeah :)

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually. <---- Never changing this answer.

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

So much good tv. Got back into Mad Men for the last season, loved Bojack Horseman, Portlandia, Better Call Saul,

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah. My shit list is pretty short. Okay, maybe Martin Shkreli. But he doesn't deserve even my disdain.

26.  What was the best book you read?

We've talked about this.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

Didn't listen to any music at all for most of the year, tbh. Mostly Songza playlists (RIP)

28.  What did you want and get?

A lot of wedding plans front-ended, a level 1 in Spanish on my first test, a carpool to school.

29.  What did you want and not get?

A vacation on a beach somewhere, a budget I can follow.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

I actually quite liked Mad Max: Fury Road. And seeing a movie in VIP cinemas has changed me forever.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We threw a little party here at the house. Barbecued, entertained 3 dogs at once, had some stellar chats. Broke up at 10:00 to go watch the fireworks, then Jax, my sister and Owen and I played Cards Against Humanity. And then I was 33.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Regular access to a computer during the day (ugh. I'm dying being away from my internet addiction during class time), a wedding planner, having more friends nearby.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

January/February were basically a write-off, but I pulled it together just in time for it all to fall apart again in September when I traded in blazers for oversized sweaters and rolled up hipster jeans. I'ma call this year "Business Grunge"

34.  What kept you sane?

Legitimately my therapist. I don't know what I would have done without her. Having friends who'd been where I was and come through the worst of it while remaining awesome helped me see it was possible.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Hamm still looks fantastic and I have to admit, our new PM is what the Spanish call 'muy guapo' And of course, for the 15th year in a row: Paul Rudd.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

I felt really really feminist this year. Whether it's because i started feeling more comfortable stating my feelings on subjects close to my heart or what, but I felt like I was always debating feminism with people this year. The Canadian election and the American election both held my attention for sure. It was a fascinating year for politics, actually.

37.  Who did you miss?

My mom and my grandparents until the end of days.

Various colleagues I used to pal around with in jobs of yore. It's a bit lonely at school, to be honest.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

One of my fellow students is this awesome, foodie chick with a dry sense of humour and attitude for days. i really like her, but she's pregnant so I won't see her much in 2016, as she'll leave school soon. Un Bummer grande, as they say.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.

Two, seemingly opposed statements are my takeaways from 2015.

Some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried

and

Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

You know when you read something really true and you have to go back and read it again, even if it's only a line, even if it's only a few words? That's me with that first quote. It's so fucking spot on. I know I'll never get past my grief, never get over it, never be the me I was before. But I am getting to a place where I like the me that carries that grief; I am starting to love the complicated story that weaves its way through me, even if it breaks my heart in certain chapters. I know, in my brain, in my most logical centre, that I cannot fix what's happened. My heart allows me a few moments of wallowing every few days - "just think of how easy your life would be right now if she was here" - and I even give myself a few minutes to just dreamily think of how perfect it would all be with her here. But I cannot change the past, I cannot fix what is. I can only carry it with me, and give it its proper weight.

I have that second quote on my living room wall. I probably look at it every day, but rarely ever think about it anymore. But really, it is so apt. There is no escaping heartache. There is no charmed life. There is no perfect love. All there is, is what we have, what we make, what we carry, and how we act.

But there is so much good out there, that, if you allow yourself to think about even part of it, it seems a shame to leave it all behind.

Most days.

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I am going to make it through this year, if it kills me"

-The Mountain Goats "This Year"
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2015 was so quiet, a flat prairie of a year between two mountains. I am grateful for the time it gave me. And I can only hope I'll survive what's next.

2014: The Wig That Was

I've done one of these every year, since about 2002 and it felt wrong not to do it again this year, even though looking backwards is the last thing I want to do most days. I remember when we bought our house and when we got the dog, I had to stop myself from making every answer to these "I bought a house" or "we got a dog!". The same principle is going to apply here - my mom and grandfather died, it's been terrible, the end. But 2014 was 11 months before it became miserable. And one day, I'm going to want to remember those, too. Here goes

2014 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

Participated on an "expert" panel, wore a bikini, went to an all-inclusive resort, visited a prison.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes and no. My New Year's Resolutions were:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

My reading resolution fell apart - my smartphone has effectively killed my love of reading. I've tried to get back into it lately, but paying attention to plot is not my strong suit these days. I really liked The Bluest Eye, read at the beginning of the year. The only other one I can remember actually getting through was a reread - Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. I read it outloud to TB and he loved it. I bought a tonne of books second hand this year and joined a loosey goosey book club so I hope to improve on that once my brainmeats are ready.

Definitely did the new restaurants thing, but it's kind of cheating because i did so much travelling. In town, I visited Izakaya, which was okay but I think I need to give them another try to fully form that opinion; Wilf and Ada's , which is adorable and lovely as their old owners (and namesakes) were; Union 613, which has become a new favourite, even with the communal seating; the Cordon Bleu, which was for a work party, and that work party was a murder mystery, so I have no idea of how they "really" are, but was pleasant and well-prepared and in a beautiful setting; The Wellington Gastropub, which is fantastic, and has the most accommodating kitchen I've ever seen; Stella Luna, which, true to my friend's word, produced the best gelato I've ever had; and Good Eats, the around-the-corner sandwich shoppe that has stolen our hearts. Everything there has been awesome, and I was really really prepared to hate them, as they took over my beloved Scone Witch. All is forgiven.

I don't think I cooked hardly anything new. Off the top of my head I know I did an orzo pasta salad that's become a favourite, but nothing else springs to mind. Just twists on old favourites, mostly. I will try and change that this year. I miss cooking.

The hanger trick was brilliant - I did it twice and got rid of a couple of bags of clothes, then I sold a bunch more to consignment store and some friends. And then I bought more things. Because I'm a goober. 

Made the list for my house and I'd say I was justthisshy of completing half. Giving myself a "go" on this one, because I can, damnit.

Don't know if I'm going to be able to make any resolutions this year. Just surviving seems insurmountable at this point. Let's keep the first three and add a "try to become at least a shadow of who you once were". Sounds good.

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

TB's cousin gave birth to another adorable British lad, my friend Kait had her second, and a pal from University had her first. And it begins...

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

Okay, I'm allowed to answer this one with the obvious answer at least. My mom died on December 2nd, my grandfather on December 29th. They were the best people I ever knew.

5.  What countries did you visit?

You know, before this year turned into a shitstorm, it was pretty great-  I doubled the amount of countries I'd been to and did a bunch of new things. I went to Paraguay, Argentina, NYC, and Toronto for work. I went to Mexico, Upstate New York, and Montreal for fun. I was actually sick of airports at one point. Nice 1st world problem to have. To more adventures!

6.  What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

Some semblance of sanity. A lower balance on the line of credit. And a carryover from the last 2 years: an inbox that's manageable.

7.  What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Okay, we've covered the deathiversaries, and do believe I'll never forget them but, other than that, let's see...

October 28 - Attended and reported on a debate at the UN, which was neat
November 10 - a really awesome girls' day with my sister and mom
December 17 - learned where I'll be going for work in 2016

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I love the contrast here.

January -November: Presenting publicly and competently on a topic I'd only been working on for 2 months, Organizing a week-long program for a visitor who did not speak English and doing it well, getting around three Spanish-speaking cities with my very basic "Me llamo es" Spanish.

December: Writing and delivery two eulogies. Breathing in and out. Existing.

Bar is painfully low right now.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Not getting my number 1 posting choice was kind of a letdown but that whole thing kind of faded into the background, to be honest. If you'd like to hear more about my personal failings, please visit me between the hours of 1-3am daily. I'll be happy to share my long list of regrets.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

Flu-maggedon in March laid me low but otherwise, physically healthy for most of this year, I think.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Bought a picnic table for $40 from our neighbours that they just had out on their lawn and it's been great. And honestly? I just bought these amazing patterned long johns that I wear instead of pants lately and they. are. gamechangers.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

God, where do I start? I have been utterly and completely spoiled by the kindness, understanding, humour and compassion of my friends. Jax, C, and Sarah have gone above and beyond the call of "best friend" and have checked in on me, sent me things, made me feel loved and appreciated and cared for, which has been all the more bittersweet, as I've lost the people who did that for me so effortlessly. Friends who showed up at funerals, or donated in my mom's name, or who have reached out and shared their stories of loss, or just let me know that when i want a distraction, they're there, have meant so much to me. And Owen, for all his not-knowing-loss, has been a rock for me. He visited my mother and my grandfather with me, went through funeral arrangements, holds me when I fall apart, and tries his very best to understand and love the basketcase that's replaced his girlfriend. I honestly believe that I would not be here without all of them.

My sister has been strong in a way that has just astounded me, as well. I hope I'm being half as good to her as she is to me, lately. My uncle and others who lived to make sure my grandfather was loved and taken care of are my heroes. I love them and am in awe of their seemingly bottomless well of compassion.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

For all that compassion, and kindness, and love, and positivity my family has shown, some members are just so damn self-centred, so egregiously uncaring, that my use of the previously practically unuttered c-word has shown a 400% increase. However, now that I'm an adult I don't have to pretend that I respect, or even like these people, and it feels fantastic.

Also, Jian Ghomeshi.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Travel, eating out, and taxis. And it feels fantastic.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Every one of the trips I went on. At some point, I was really looking forward to Christmas but... y'know.

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2014?

All About that Bass - Megan Trainor
I'm Coming Home - J Cole

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
ii. Thinner or fatter?
iii. Richer or poorer?

Almost impossibly sadder.
Thinner, by about 5 pounds.
Poorer, in almost every sense of the word.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reading, visiting, getting my family to tell me stories of the past that are now essentially gone, dreaming of pleasant things.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Idly surfing the 'net instead of working or doing something productive, crying, hanging out with the good people at Capital Memorial, worrying.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

It's weird, knowing that a Christmas is going to be the worst you've ever had. That being said, it wasn't terrible. The tree was beautiful. The weather was mild. I had a meltdown the night of Christmas Eve that sucked all joy out of it, but Christmas Day was okay. Spoke to and laughed with some friends, opened presents with my sister and dad and watched Lily be dumb, had my uncle over for breakfast, made Christmas Dinner, visited my grandfather, ate the meal with that same uncle and my cousin. Finished opening presents around 1am, then drank a bottle of sparkling wine with my sister and dad and poured some out for my mom. Quiet, small, but okay.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

Again, not terrible. Went to the suburbs to my family's house with TB and the dog. Invited my uncle over. Played charades, watched the ball drop, drank more sparkling wine, traded stories, called it a night around 1:30. Warm, cozy, and okay.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2014?

With the aforementioned long johns.

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually. <---- Keeping last year's answer because it is GOLDEN

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

Game of Thrones, Archer, Portlandia, Modern Family, Rewatched all of Mr. Show, Mad Men. Lot of good tv this year.

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Family drama is amazing. Channeling your anger into one terrible person can feel so, so good.

26.  What was the best book you read?

I'm going to say The Bluest Eye, even though I fully admit it had no company. I tried to start The Magicians, re-start The Night Circus and re-read The Book Thief, and failed on all accounts.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I don't think I really listened to too much music this year. The Songza "Happy indie Pop" playlist was my favourite way to wake up, though.

28.  What did you want and get?

A space heater for our frigid 1918 house, a hammock, a container garden, a posting abroad, a true vacation (as opposed to "a trip")

29.  What did you want and not get?

A chance to regroup before the next blow, my first christmas morning ever with just my family, a more organized life, a new roof.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

The Lego Movie was just great.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Threw myself a little shindig at my place. Figured out that lemondrop Jello shots are infinitely easier than lime ones and went to town on those, invited the people who were still in town and we drank lots and ate a fair amount. The next day, on my actual birthday, my family came over and we hung out, ate dinner and, for the first time in ages, went down to the bridge to watch fireworks. It rained, but we insisted, and my sister gave my mom her umbrella so that she'd stay dry. In retrospect, I'm so glad we went. And then I was 32.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To have not suffered the losses I did, obviously. But other than that - an office with a window. Or even keeping my old office. I have an office in a hallway now. I'm nothing.

To have my awesome friends be less than 1000 miles away, in every direction.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

"Barely Acceptable". I stopped wearing blazers and dress pants, largely because i got too fat for 'em. Then I switched tights to leggings. And dresses became sweater dresses. And heels became flats became ankle boots. This time next year I'll basically be conducting meetings in a onesie.

34.  What kept you sane?

Borrowing Sarah's answer of 2003 - I was kept sane?

Playing games on my phone was once again MVP and I have no shame about that. 0hh1 is the most incredible therapist.

Our vacation in April was the most amazing way to unwind that I've ever experienced.

But really, my friends and family. I hate reaching out for help, but I'm so glad I have been. And Lily. God bless her little broken self. I am immensely thankful that dogs don't really understand human suffering. They just know that it's breakfast time and that you need to get the fuck out of bed.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Hamm is still cut from marble, Joel McHale made a comeback. And of course, for the 14th year in a row: Paul Rudd.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Ferguson and similar stories filled me with such sadness and anger, as did the myriad of  continuing "rape culture" stories that seemed to be part of a never-ending flow. It was a really sad year for news, it feels.

37.  Who did you miss?

My mom and my grandfather forever and a day.

The dozens of friends I have around the world who made their presence known, but distance prevented me from hugging them outright. The last cohort of colleagues who moved to warmer climes gutted me quite a bit, actually.

The person I used to be. I'm hoping I get to see her from time to time, though.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

My colleague, Laura, is fabulous and emotional and down-to-earth and eccentric and Latin and great. I also got to know a few people better, including my favourite trivia quizmaster, and that was a delight. I "re-met" a cousin of mine who lost her mom when she was 31 and she was a life raft at my grandpa's funeral. I'm hoping we get to talk more this year.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

Last year's was more apt than I ever thought it would be. It might be too much to count on it this year but it's worth repeating:

"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

In reality, I think I've learned:

"That's the thing about pain [...] it demands to be felt."
-John Green

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"The smell of hospitals, and winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls."

-Counting Crows, "A Long December"
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This is the most depressing and repetitive one of these I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it. Even bad memories are part of the building of you.

2013: The Wig that Was

I took one for the team this year and only took the 27th and the 3rd off, so my Christmas break was cut quite short, thrusting me back into the land of the working quicker than I might have liked. What better way to unwind than with a little self-reflection? Oh, right. Rum. I could have unwound with rum. Ah well.

2013 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

Owned a dog. Made a Jello shot. Carried a picket sign. Visited a native reservation. Planted a garden.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes and no. My New Year's Resolutions were:

"I want to read a book a month. I want to learn to make 13 new dishes I've never attempted before. I want to go to 13 new restaurants. I will try to stop filling the worry spots inside me with endless shopping. I will attempt better to myself and to others."

I read a grand total of 3.5 books.

I made (or attempted to make): kale chips, mashed cauliflower, apple turnovers, southwestern beef stew, brown sugar shortbreads, earl grey and lemon cookies, slow cooker ribs, mojito jello shots, puff pastry apple dessert, eggplant parmigiana, lobster bisque, smoked salmon dip, quinoa with almonds and raisins, peanut butter pie. That's fourteen! Though, to be fair, the majority of these are not meals I can actually subsist on. The bolded ones are the ones I liked the best.

I definitely went to 13 new restaurants. I'll keep a list this year but off the top of my head the local standouts were: Atelier, El Camino, and Supply and Demand. Add in all four places we went during the Dishcrawl, plus a few during two trips to Toronto, and I'm sure we hit this number and then some this year.

I shopped so much my credit card practically disintegrated. Fail on that one.

I think I'm learning to be a better listener, and I'm definitely trying to be better to others but I haven't been that good to myself this year, honestly.

I know resolutions don't work for everyone but they keep me honest. In January, I made a list of 45 things that I think the house needed. 20 of them have been completed and the joy of crossing them off the list cannot be measured. So I'm keeping many of my resolutions from last year:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not close, but a bunch of coworkers and acquaintances did. My friend and I were discussing this the other day, and I think maybe the reason my close friends and I became close in the first place is that we weren't the marrying-young-and-having-kids types, and we knew that even as girls. I think there might be something to that.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank god. This year was rotten enough as it was.

5.  What countries did you visit?

None, sadly. Just a few trips to Toronto and Kingston. The sewer crack in February effectively squashed all travel plans. Hoping our house doesn't spontaneously combust in 2014 so we might actually go somewhere.

6.  What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

A position abroad. A more abundant garden. And a carryover from last year: an inbox that's manageable.

7.  What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 29th: the day Miss Lily became one of the family. Also May 1st. When she decided she didn't want to become part of the family and ran away. Rotten dog.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I'm not sure, really. Lately I feel like kind of a fuck-up so it's hard to really focus on what I did well. But I did a really solid job organizing the visit of a human rights defender from South America this year, I can tell you basic things about myself in Spanish, and my dog's still alive, so ... go me? Compared to last year where I organized a big trip, was a bridesmaid and found and bought a house, this year was kind of a letdown in the "personal growth" category.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Ugh. Let's not get started down this path right now. Suffice it to say, this year was also a letdown in the "professional growth" category.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

I cut through my thumb pretty badly (not stitches-badly but bad enough that it took 6 weeks to heal). Boy that really boiled my potatoes. Maybe a bad headcold in March. 'tis all.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Ooh... my couch is a treasure. And, I know we can't technically "buy" people, but hiring a cleaning person changed my life in a big way. So the services and time of our lovely helper was a godsend.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

I was even more grateful than usual to have my friends around me this year. Looking around at my parties and realizing what a swell bunch of people have (foolishly) decided to hang out with me really made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The sister and I had a blowout this summer that made me more angry and hurt than I thought possible, and while we've made up, I think it did put a bit of awkwardness there that may not go away so easily. That being said, we're still close it's just... different now, you know?

Ugh. will life ever not be about adjusting to new normals? Probably not.

Also, Rob Ford.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Besides the obvious answer of our basement sewer pipes, I spent the most on: eating out, taxis, Modcloth, vet bills (this dog will not let us cut her nails!!). Striving to do better on all of them (I will cut this dog's nails!!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My friends Sarah and Jackie coming to visit, going to Toronto to see Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo.

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?

Thrift Shop - Macklemore
The Ballad of Hugo Chavez - the Arkells
I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift (Goat Edition)

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
ii. Thinner or fatter?
iii. Richer or poorer?

Sadder, fatter, poorer. Soak it in! Moving on!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Walking, travelling, reading, keeping up with out-of-town friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Candy Crush (sorry, not sorry) spending frivolously, eating junk.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

On Christmas eve, me and my sis bought semi-matching pjs and wore them while eating awesome food from this place and then guacamole. And then smoked salmon dip. And then Christmas oranges. And then tums. On Christmas, opened presents, had a family friend over for cinnamon buns in the morning and my grandfather and uncle over for dinner that night. Boxing Day went shopping with my sister and dad (read: dad held bags, kept in good humour while we shopped) then went to TB`s parents` to be reunited with my puppy! Oh, and to have dinner with them. Lovely.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

For the first time in years I didn't go anywhere. Stayed at home with TB and Lily until about 11:30 then walked over to the local dive bar for drinks with TB's sister and her friends. Forgot to countdown until midnight. Drank out of a communal champagne bottle. Half-stumbled, half-ran home at around 2:30 or so. It was -30 out that night so while I wish I`d done more, I don't really regret not losing fingers.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2012?

A little more each day. (aww.)

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually.

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

Modern Family, Downton Abbey, Breaking Bad (started and finished the show this year. Good. God.), Split Second, Happy Endings, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and oh man, I'm old- Poirot. Good TV saved me this year.

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah. I don't really "hate" anyone, I don't think. There are some people I don't care for at this point, but it would be going too far to say "hate".

26.  What was the best book you read?

As I said, didn't read much. Maybe starting the year by attempting to read "The Stand" was too ambitious - though I'm 800 pages in now! I'd say "Push" by Sapphire was my favourite. Devoured it in an evening and, while depressing, it was really well done and moving as well. And, weirdly, more uplifting and not as soul-wrenching as I thought it would be. Solid solid read.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pretty much the only new music I listened to this year was Young Galaxy. Thanks, CBC radio.

28.  What did you want and get?

A Dyson vacuum! (gamechanger) A puppy! A (mostly happy) end to our strike!

29.  What did you want and not get?

A posting abroad. A vacation. A blog redesign. Motivation. Sheets that won't mysteriously come untucked in the middle of the night, strangling us both.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

Oh probably either Despicable Me 2 or Catching Fire. I'm 14.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Decided to throw myself a birthday/Canada Day party at my place and it was a total blast. Jello shots, tequila shots, flaming towers of drinks, people getting into the "dress-up" box, my dog in a bandana, cherry cupcakes, singing of the national anthem, sparklers, sheriff's badges, tumbling into bed at 4 in the morning. And then I was 31.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Better job prospects. A dog who consistently remembers to do her business outside. For all my friends to stay in the city instead of moving away.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

"Twee with an edge." It's like last year's "Real-World Vintage" but with a mustard cardigan and colourful tights.

34.  What kept you sane?

If I thought last year's answer of "Online shopping" was cringe-worthy, I don't know quite what to do with this year's answer of "Candy Crush and The Simpsons: Tapped Out". What can I say, mindless entertainment soothes the savage beast.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ty Burrell makes me giddyhappy. And of course, for the 13th year in a row: Paul Rudd.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Quite a year. The Rob Ford thing was annoying, if only because it detracted from the Senate Scandal which I think is more important than an incompetent mayor who can't hold his tongue. The death of Hugo Chavez  and its aftermath was big for me professionally, and fascinating personally. The public service union strikes obviously held my attention for personal reasons, but it really was an interesting time to see what this government thinks of its public servants. And looking to our neighbours below, the "rape culture" stories (Steubenville, etc.) were grotequely, sadly, engrossing. Interesting times, y'all.

37.  Who did you miss?

Jeezum Crow, where do I start? A handful of great colleagues went on language training this year. A friend left for Saskatchewan, one for Russia, one for India. My brunch crew was pretty much decimated this year and I had a rough time with it sometimes. Even having some awesome people come into town was hard because their absence was keenly felt once they were gone.

Bah, next question please.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

Our neighbours invited us over for dinner the other night and they turned out to be some fine, fine folk. Looking forward to getting to know them better this year.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Really trying to make this a mantra.

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on,
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap,
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you'll fight and you'll make it through,
You'll fake it, if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile

You'll be better, you'll be smarter,
More grown up and a better daughter,
Or son and  a real good friend.

-Rilo Kiley "A Better Son/Daughter"