Monday, April 8, 2013

At Least I've Got My Cooking: Comforting Puff Pastry Apple Thing

Literally less than an hour after I posted that last entry, all cheery and warmed and ready for the healing power of Mother Spring, I was howling in pain, clutching my hand and cursing everything I had ever cared for and anything anyone had ever loved.

Son of a bee-sting.

I was trying to be "green", for what it's worth. For two weeks I'd looked at this one, lonely apple sitting in my fruit bowl, steadfastedly refusing to go rotten, yet allowing its once-taught skin to grow slightly more saggy and wrinkled over time (we've all been there, apple, amiright?). "Forget that," I thought, "let's make you into something unhealthy!

I got together:

Half a sheet of puff pastry
One (1) sad-ass looking apple
1/3 of a block of low-fat cream cheese
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/8 c. of icing sugar
1/2 tsp of lemon juice

1. Forget to defrost the puff pastry for days at a time, cursing under your breath every day that you do. Finally remember to stick it in the fridge overnight. Declare victory over your own brains.

2. Cut the puff pastry in half (or use the whole thing and double the recipe - who am I, your mother?), pre-heat your oven to 350.

3. Mix together the icing sugar, cream cheese, cinnamon and lemon juice in a bowl until (mostly) smooth. I used low fat so it didn't cream as much as I wanted. I heated it up in a microwave beforehand, that kind of helped. I would have stirred it more rapidly and for longer but.. well, read ahead. Didn't really have my usual dexterity at my disposal.

4. Begin to peel the apple. Congratulate yourself on refusing to throw out less-than-stellar produce. While smugly smiling to yourself, jam the peeler back into your middle finger (yes, your favourite one) and whimper like a scolded puppy. Very quietly ask for Percocet, some gauze and a roll of medical tape. Settle for 3 migraine-strength tylenol, a paper towel and some duct tape.

5. Wonder why it doesn't hurt yet.

6. Stop wondering.

7. Make pathetic noises as you look at your once manicure-ready finger, now sporting a fingernail cracked about a third of the way down, exposing the skin underneath the nail and bleeding like it has something to prove.

8. Allow your partner to bandage you up, wincing and sucking air through your teeth the whole time. Get sweaty.

9. Beg your partner to finish the recipe which you now hate more than anything you have ever hated in your life. More than Glenn Beck. More than centipedes. Okay, not more than centipedes. Get him to peel the (stupid) apple and chop it into 1/2 inch cubes.

10. Place the (dumb) apple pieces and the cream cheese mixture in the middle of the puff pastry square, fold the pastry into the centre to make a "package" and bake for 30 minutes.

11. Allow to cool for 2-3 minutes and then (begrudgingly) serve while sniffling.

12. Voila.

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