Flupocalypse

Okay, maybe the title is a little over-the-top, but I am nothing if not true to my dramatic roots.

I am not a shrinking violet, a wallflower or a weak-willed hydrangea (I may have made that last one up.) but this year's Cold N Flu Season (CNFS) is just breaking me down in the worst way. I may not have the strongest immune system but if I do manage to catch something from the myriad of doorknobs, bus poles, and Starbucks countertops I touch each day, my body has the decency to throw it off after about a day or so.

I almost look forward to them, these little mid-week midwinter staycations. I sniffle and cough my way through Let's Make a Deal, The Price is Right, and a couple of judge programs, take a nap, make some toast, and then I'm right as rain by bedtime.

Not so much this time.

What started as a "that's a funny tickle in my throat" on Thursday night had rendered me into a snorting, coughing, leaking mess by Friday morning. And yet, if I'd known how bad I'd be by Monday morning I probably would have gone in to work on Friday. The weekend gave me a bit of a reprieve, I was able to make it to my parents for their excuse to eat exclusively fried foods Super Bowl get together, I managed to croak out a few songs with our Rock Band, No Losers Allowed, but come Monday, I was worse than when I started. I was basically in The Stand, people. M-O-O-N, that spells "Why can't I breathe through my nostrils or my throat?"

I firmly believe in the necessity of sick days and I think people should take them if offered, if only to spare the others in the office from hearing your sick ass sputter its way through briefing sessions, but I personally feel guilty taking more than one in a row. But I really didn't have a choice this time around. Guilt was too strenuous a feeling to have. I had to settle for "general malaise", and even that amount of concern necessitated a 2-hour nap.

The dog was delighted, of course, because as soon as I was on the mend (aka: Thursday, when I had to go back to work so I could accompany a visitor on a programme I'd created), TB came down with whatever I'd had. This meant Lily was surrounded by at least one of her humans all of last week. And plenty of Kleenexes to eat. Whatever I can do to make you smile, hound.

I've finally come out of the haze, still sporting a smashing cough, but at least able to function in an upright position, which is just aces. This is the busiest time of the year at work, so I'm actually relieved to be back, if maybe a little frazzled from the time I spent off.

Basically, every element of this winter, from the temperature, to the sicknesses, to the snowfall, has just been balls. I know I'm stuck on repeat here, but I am just. Done. Let me lie in the snow and let the drifts rush over me, burying me until the hot dog carts are back out.

Self-Improvement World Tour - January check-in

A certain malaise always settles into my bones in January. This winter has been particularly hard on me for some reason, and while the New Year is all about hope and promise and self-actualization, in reality I spend as much of the month eating Bagel Bites as I do on self-improvement. That being said, my year-end post always seems to invigorate me to try to Do Better, at least for a little while.

The incomparable Meg Zandi mentioned that she'd been working away at her resolutions and that reminded me that I had once had goals too. And a tan. And I used to wear fabrics other than polar fleece. I digress.

As I have basically become a hermit due to this terrible-even-for-a-Canadian winter, her post was a good reminder to get off my butt and get some of those indoors activities going.

If you'll recall, my resolutions were as follows:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

I've read my first book of the year, one of the treasures I picked up at the annual Family Christmas Bazaar Extravaganza, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I really liked it, but that's another post. I made butternut squash soup last night for the first time which was very hearty and tasty (okay, full confession, it was a pre-chopped vegetable mix that I added broth, brown sugar, S&P and curry powder to, stuck in the slow cooker, then immersion blended. For shame.) I haven't gone to any new restaurants this month, which I hope to remedy this weekend. Hint, TB. HINT. We tried to go to a few this past weekend but literally every one we walked to was closed for lunch on Saturday. BECAUSE NO REASON.

I've started the hanger trick and, let me tell you, it works. If by works you mean "makes me feel guilty about the clothes I'm not loving enough which I then wear out of sadness". And I know that's what you meant. 

It's a great exercise, actually, because it forces me to realize that a) I really do wear 20% of my clothes 80% of the time and b) there are combinations of clothes that I have not even begun to imagine, child.  Granted, some of these should not be imagined outside of a dress-up box but it's made me see where the gaps in my wardrobe exist and what items I have too many of (*cough* black dresses *cough*)

I also made a list of things that needed doing around the house over the next little bit. Nothing too big (roof replacement, redoing porch) but nothing so small that it could easily be "undone" (tidying up flyers, cleaning floor). If there's anything more satisfying than crossing something off a list... well, it's probably a deftly performed flash mob, but to-do lists are right up there. Right now I'm working on my spare room, which is kind of the forgotten child of the house. I put up an awesome poster the kickass Meaghan designed, and I am* putting up a picture rail so I can put some more art up on that. I'm searching for rugs and putting frames on things and it's actually making me feel accomplished at something more than heating up soup and putting on socks.

And today, as I was getting ready to go home, I saw something I haven't seen at work in ages. The sunset. And it'll be a little earlier tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. And then I will wear flats again. And then we shall be free.

*Boyfriend is

2013: The Wig that Was

I took one for the team this year and only took the 27th and the 3rd off, so my Christmas break was cut quite short, thrusting me back into the land of the working quicker than I might have liked. What better way to unwind than with a little self-reflection? Oh, right. Rum. I could have unwound with rum. Ah well.

2013 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

Owned a dog. Made a Jello shot. Carried a picket sign. Visited a native reservation. Planted a garden.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes and no. My New Year's Resolutions were:

"I want to read a book a month. I want to learn to make 13 new dishes I've never attempted before. I want to go to 13 new restaurants. I will try to stop filling the worry spots inside me with endless shopping. I will attempt better to myself and to others."

I read a grand total of 3.5 books.

I made (or attempted to make): kale chips, mashed cauliflower, apple turnovers, southwestern beef stew, brown sugar shortbreads, earl grey and lemon cookies, slow cooker ribs, mojito jello shots, puff pastry apple dessert, eggplant parmigiana, lobster bisque, smoked salmon dip, quinoa with almonds and raisins, peanut butter pie. That's fourteen! Though, to be fair, the majority of these are not meals I can actually subsist on. The bolded ones are the ones I liked the best.

I definitely went to 13 new restaurants. I'll keep a list this year but off the top of my head the local standouts were: Atelier, El Camino, and Supply and Demand. Add in all four places we went during the Dishcrawl, plus a few during two trips to Toronto, and I'm sure we hit this number and then some this year.

I shopped so much my credit card practically disintegrated. Fail on that one.

I think I'm learning to be a better listener, and I'm definitely trying to be better to others but I haven't been that good to myself this year, honestly.

I know resolutions don't work for everyone but they keep me honest. In January, I made a list of 45 things that I think the house needed. 20 of them have been completed and the joy of crossing them off the list cannot be measured. So I'm keeping many of my resolutions from last year:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not close, but a bunch of coworkers and acquaintances did. My friend and I were discussing this the other day, and I think maybe the reason my close friends and I became close in the first place is that we weren't the marrying-young-and-having-kids types, and we knew that even as girls. I think there might be something to that.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank god. This year was rotten enough as it was.

5.  What countries did you visit?

None, sadly. Just a few trips to Toronto and Kingston. The sewer crack in February effectively squashed all travel plans. Hoping our house doesn't spontaneously combust in 2014 so we might actually go somewhere.

6.  What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

A position abroad. A more abundant garden. And a carryover from last year: an inbox that's manageable.

7.  What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 29th: the day Miss Lily became one of the family. Also May 1st. When she decided she didn't want to become part of the family and ran away. Rotten dog.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I'm not sure, really. Lately I feel like kind of a fuck-up so it's hard to really focus on what I did well. But I did a really solid job organizing the visit of a human rights defender from South America this year, I can tell you basic things about myself in Spanish, and my dog's still alive, so ... go me? Compared to last year where I organized a big trip, was a bridesmaid and found and bought a house, this year was kind of a letdown in the "personal growth" category.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Ugh. Let's not get started down this path right now. Suffice it to say, this year was also a letdown in the "professional growth" category.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

I cut through my thumb pretty badly (not stitches-badly but bad enough that it took 6 weeks to heal). Boy that really boiled my potatoes. Maybe a bad headcold in March. 'tis all.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Ooh... my couch is a treasure. And, I know we can't technically "buy" people, but hiring a cleaning person changed my life in a big way. So the services and time of our lovely helper was a godsend.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

I was even more grateful than usual to have my friends around me this year. Looking around at my parties and realizing what a swell bunch of people have (foolishly) decided to hang out with me really made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The sister and I had a blowout this summer that made me more angry and hurt than I thought possible, and while we've made up, I think it did put a bit of awkwardness there that may not go away so easily. That being said, we're still close it's just... different now, you know?

Ugh. will life ever not be about adjusting to new normals? Probably not.

Also, Rob Ford.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Besides the obvious answer of our basement sewer pipes, I spent the most on: eating out, taxis, Modcloth, vet bills (this dog will not let us cut her nails!!). Striving to do better on all of them (I will cut this dog's nails!!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My friends Sarah and Jackie coming to visit, going to Toronto to see Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo.

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?

Thrift Shop - Macklemore
The Ballad of Hugo Chavez - the Arkells
I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift (Goat Edition)

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
ii. Thinner or fatter?
iii. Richer or poorer?

Sadder, fatter, poorer. Soak it in! Moving on!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Walking, travelling, reading, keeping up with out-of-town friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Candy Crush (sorry, not sorry) spending frivolously, eating junk.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

On Christmas eve, me and my sis bought semi-matching pjs and wore them while eating awesome food from this place and then guacamole. And then smoked salmon dip. And then Christmas oranges. And then tums. On Christmas, opened presents, had a family friend over for cinnamon buns in the morning and my grandfather and uncle over for dinner that night. Boxing Day went shopping with my sister and dad (read: dad held bags, kept in good humour while we shopped) then went to TB`s parents` to be reunited with my puppy! Oh, and to have dinner with them. Lovely.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

For the first time in years I didn't go anywhere. Stayed at home with TB and Lily until about 11:30 then walked over to the local dive bar for drinks with TB's sister and her friends. Forgot to countdown until midnight. Drank out of a communal champagne bottle. Half-stumbled, half-ran home at around 2:30 or so. It was -30 out that night so while I wish I`d done more, I don't really regret not losing fingers.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2012?

A little more each day. (aww.)

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually.

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

Modern Family, Downton Abbey, Breaking Bad (started and finished the show this year. Good. God.), Split Second, Happy Endings, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and oh man, I'm old- Poirot. Good TV saved me this year.

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah. I don't really "hate" anyone, I don't think. There are some people I don't care for at this point, but it would be going too far to say "hate".

26.  What was the best book you read?

As I said, didn't read much. Maybe starting the year by attempting to read "The Stand" was too ambitious - though I'm 800 pages in now! I'd say "Push" by Sapphire was my favourite. Devoured it in an evening and, while depressing, it was really well done and moving as well. And, weirdly, more uplifting and not as soul-wrenching as I thought it would be. Solid solid read.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pretty much the only new music I listened to this year was Young Galaxy. Thanks, CBC radio.

28.  What did you want and get?

A Dyson vacuum! (gamechanger) A puppy! A (mostly happy) end to our strike!

29.  What did you want and not get?

A posting abroad. A vacation. A blog redesign. Motivation. Sheets that won't mysteriously come untucked in the middle of the night, strangling us both.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

Oh probably either Despicable Me 2 or Catching Fire. I'm 14.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Decided to throw myself a birthday/Canada Day party at my place and it was a total blast. Jello shots, tequila shots, flaming towers of drinks, people getting into the "dress-up" box, my dog in a bandana, cherry cupcakes, singing of the national anthem, sparklers, sheriff's badges, tumbling into bed at 4 in the morning. And then I was 31.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Better job prospects. A dog who consistently remembers to do her business outside. For all my friends to stay in the city instead of moving away.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

"Twee with an edge." It's like last year's "Real-World Vintage" but with a mustard cardigan and colourful tights.

34.  What kept you sane?

If I thought last year's answer of "Online shopping" was cringe-worthy, I don't know quite what to do with this year's answer of "Candy Crush and The Simpsons: Tapped Out". What can I say, mindless entertainment soothes the savage beast.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ty Burrell makes me giddyhappy. And of course, for the 13th year in a row: Paul Rudd.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Quite a year. The Rob Ford thing was annoying, if only because it detracted from the Senate Scandal which I think is more important than an incompetent mayor who can't hold his tongue. The death of Hugo Chavez  and its aftermath was big for me professionally, and fascinating personally. The public service union strikes obviously held my attention for personal reasons, but it really was an interesting time to see what this government thinks of its public servants. And looking to our neighbours below, the "rape culture" stories (Steubenville, etc.) were grotequely, sadly, engrossing. Interesting times, y'all.

37.  Who did you miss?

Jeezum Crow, where do I start? A handful of great colleagues went on language training this year. A friend left for Saskatchewan, one for Russia, one for India. My brunch crew was pretty much decimated this year and I had a rough time with it sometimes. Even having some awesome people come into town was hard because their absence was keenly felt once they were gone.

Bah, next question please.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

Our neighbours invited us over for dinner the other night and they turned out to be some fine, fine folk. Looking forward to getting to know them better this year.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Really trying to make this a mantra.

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on,
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap,
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you'll fight and you'll make it through,
You'll fake it, if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile

You'll be better, you'll be smarter,
More grown up and a better daughter,
Or son and  a real good friend.

-Rilo Kiley "A Better Son/Daughter"

Merryish Christmas

I've been sitting here staring at this empty page a few times now, trying to figure out if I have something to say, and if its worth saying. Until now, I've pressed the "back" button and moved on with my life (read: filled up online shopping carts then left all the items unpurchased), but I feel like unloading. And that's what this place is for, after all (also: dog pictures.)

Christmas is a tricky mistress. I absolutely love this time of year, and pretty much everything that comes with it. With exceptions, of course.

My Christmas Likes Most of the seasonal music Shortbread cookies Most Christmas specials Turkey dinner Watching people open their gifts Christmas Eve

My Christmas Dislikes "(Simply Having a) Wonderful Christmastime" Gingerbread houses with wretched royal icing Snow and Heat Miser Parsnips Paying for said gifts well into February New Year's Eve

But if we're really digging deep here, my favourite and least favourite thing about this time of the year are the same thing: it's a magical, special time of year.

That's confusing, I know.

Basically, the best part of this time of year is that everything seems a little bit brighter. Acts of kindness seem to be shared more often, people go out of their way to be a little nicer, everything sparkles and shines and makes merry. But also, everything that's a little bit sad seems more so because ohmygodit'sChristmas! Tragedies seem all the more cruel and horrific because of the season. Every sad story, every natural disaster, every fire, seems to break me a little bit more than usual.

Videos that don't make even one eyelash moisten in June usually send torrents of tears cascading down my cheeks. Just try to watch me during the last 15 seconds of "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" - by the time I get to "we have we", I'm basically the Trevi Fountain wearing a sweater dress.

So, for me at least, this season is filled with emotion. It's a time of reflection, looking at what's changed since last year, who's far away, reflecting on all the new people I've met and experiences I've had, and sometimes those memories and those realizations aren't all positive. This year has been a rollercoaster - I've been incredibly blessed but also had some frustrating setbacks and aggravating fall-outs that have left me with a decidedly bitter aftertaste as 2013 winds down. I know that I'm lucky - I've had the good fortune to be visited by great friends, had one of the best birthday parties I can remember (or mostly remember), I fulfilled a lifelong dream to own a dog, I have a lovely little house in a great neighbourhood with a solid teammate. My family is pretty healthy and my parents have been and continue to be very supportive, lovely folks. But I've also experienced some challenging financial setbacks (mostly resulting from Sewergate), resulting in a lack of funds to fix the things around the house that need fixing. It also influenced our travel budget, and that wanderlust-driven restlessness was hard to quiet. Some family arguments have been especially irritating, I've had more friends move out of the city than ever before, and some recent work-related disappointment has left me reeling and angry. In short, I don't know what to make of this year, but the push to be merry and full of cheer has made me feel by turns spiteful and depressed that I'm not more grateful to be living the life I'm living. I'm the Three Faces of Christmas Eve over here, basically.

And for the first time, I think I'm starting to "get" why this time of year is so contentious for some people. When things aren't perfect, or even positive, it seems more acute at year's end. As recent disappointments become less fresh, I'm able to try to focus on the positive but being *told* to focus on the positive this time of year actually has the opposite effect on me - the stubborn jerk inside me wants to be miserable to prove a point.

Touché.

I think things will be fine - having a few friends in town has already made things brighter and, honestly, don't underestimate the power of brown sugar shortbread and a very cuddly dog. Things will be OK and I will be OK and Christmas will be OK, etc. etc. I just wanted to shout out to people who are not OK and let them know that... that's okay. And that you're not alone. And that this time of year is a big mixed bag of emotions at the best of times and that if all you can do is survive it, then that's enough. What you have to offer is enough. I'll try to keep that in my head as well, as the year winds down. 

Make merry as you can, everyone. We still have we.

Embrace the old

I've written about guilty pleasures before. Basically, I don't really believe in them- like what you want, for whatever reason you want and hold your head high. Recently, I got to indulge in one of my favourite proud-pleasures- the church Christmas bazaar.

How do I encapsulate my love for these little havens of knick-knackery and home baking? I can't - they are more than words to me. For as long as I can remember, every November my family and I have trundled ourselves off to the local churches for a day-long celebration of all things slightly-musty and homemade. And I honestly wouldn't trade that day for the world. After years of lollygagging and mindless wandering, we've finally developed a system that would make an army general proud.

8:30 - get up, immediately regret early saturday wake-up. Remember delicious chocolate chip cookies from last year. Get out of bed, stagger to bathroom, splash water on face and accidentally put undereye cream on instead of lipbalm.

9:00 - admire wrinkle-less lips, get on bus, head out to suburbs.

9:30 - arrive at suburbs, get picked up by family, who are equally sleep-and-coffee-deprived. Drive to first church.

10:00 - 13:00 - caffeine-less blur of bake tables, knitting projects, used book perusing and sandwich-and-soup-eating.

13:30 - leave suburbs, loaded down with books and "fill this for only a dollar" bags. Eat brownies until even the thought of chocolate brings on a brief weeping spell.

13:12 - begin countdown until next year.

We have it down to a science. Each of the four churches we visit on that frosty November Saturday has its pros and cons, and we don't even have to think about them anymore - we just know. We're the bazaar whisperers. It's common knowledge among us that the Catholics have a decent bake sale (but the prices are too high) and their raffle is worth a look; the Anglicans have a well-organized book room, a great white elephant table, and their cookie selection and pricing can't be beat; the Presbyterians have awful silent auctions but a top-notch tea room and a well-organized knitting selection. And the Unitarians? Damn, people. Just don't even bother trying to compete. They have it all - fabulous ethnic food, quality silent auction, books that are still charting on the bestseller list - seriously. My sister and I have seriously considered converting just to get the early bird deals at the Holly and Lace Bazaar.

As I get older, I try to simplify the holiday season. There were traditions I kept up with only because they were just that - traditions; I didn't want to be the first to break them. But really? I wasn't enjoying a lot of them. I was just saying to TB the other day that I love this season but Christmas day itself I can take or leave. It's full of cooking and schlepping and last minute wrapping (if you're us) and cleaning and tidying and blee blah bloo. But some traditions are just perfect. I love getting out my Playmobil advent calendar, I love sending the world's most annoying Christmas cards (actually putting them together is another thing, but I digress), I love walking through freshly fallen snow and singing along with The Carpenters' Christmas album and eating latkes, and decorating my office and drinking rum-soaked cocktails and hanging out with friends who've come home for the holidays. And damn it, I love me some Christmas bazaars. It's one of the traditions that's worth the fuss and bother of driving all over Hell's acres to get to. Because seriously, 5 cupcakes for $1.25? Suck it, Magnolia, I'll take whatever Ethel and Pearl are serving.

Broketober 2013: The Okay, the Bad, the Depressing

Ppppppppppppppbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbtttttttttt.

In case it's not clear, that was a raspberry. A big ol' fart noise to represent how Broketober went. Let's be clear: Broketober was not the rollicking, successful hayride I expected it to be. In fact, if Broktober was a hayride it would be one in the middle of the pouring rain, with no scary things jumping out at you, and the wagon would only have one wheel. And the hay would be made of fibreglass insulation. I know we're half-way through November, already, but this delay should tell you how much I like admitting to mistakes.

1. Taxis: 

Rating: Not bad

I thought I'd totally bombed this one but a quick trip through my records shows that I only paid for 15 cabs this month, which is only three over my goal. 8 of those were with debit or credit card and 7 were by cash. Still not great, but every time I thought about calling a cab, I weighed the necessity of it before getting in and I've continued that habit even though the month is over. I was sure I'd take a cab at least twice a week, since Tuesdays and Fridays I have a 2-hour Spanish class after working an 8-hour day, but on Fridays I pretty much skipped that and just bused my way home. Paying for 15 cabs in a month with 31 days isn't exactly something to be proud of, but when you have some late nights and you don't drive, it ain't bad.

2. Write it Down:

Rating: Terrible

I failed outright on this one for two reasons 1) the app I chose to track my spending wasn't recognizing my log-in and therefore, didn't work for me and 2) I accidentally left the notebook I use to track these things at my parents' house on October 20th and didn't get it back until the end of the month. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas, I know. But I get kind of obsessive about my planners and another one just. would not. do. I do want to get back into the swing of writing things down as it is useful (and embarrassing) to see the ways I spend my money (spoiler alert: in dribs and drabs)

3. Let's Cook

Rating: Not bad

I'm giving this a "meh" rating because while I succeeded on one front (trying four new recipes) I didn't do as well on the second part (only eat out 6 times). I think part of the reason it was so hard to stick to this one is that I really opened up the concept of eating out - a cookie at a coffee shop, Chinese take out, toast at the cafeteria at work: they all counted. With all of those taken into account we got take-out twice (pizza and sushi), ate out eight times (small taco place in the market for lunch, a sandwich and coffee with my sister, cafeteria at work once, farmer's market breakfast, waffle brunch and thai food with my pally who's moving to Saskatchewan, and twice TWICE to this. No regrets.), and (I can't believe I'm counting this) I bought and ate some beans at a charity meal thing. So that's 11. Twice as many as I wanted to, but I really did manage to eat at home more than I thought I would, and I curbed my coffee shop habit down to only two visits in a month - which is kind of amazing for me.

The four recipes I tried were:

Kale chips (surprisingly tasty and a new favourite for us)
Slow cooker southwestern beef stew (not bad, but needed a little more oomph for next time)
Easy apple dumplings (holy shit, these are a gift from the clouds themselves)
Cauliflower "mashed potatoes" (okay, Atkins, I hear ya, these were pretty good, but they ain't mashed potatoes)

Two were excellent, and two were only "okay" in my opinion. We've made a commitment to try new recipes throughout the next few months so I hope we'll only build on these. A good thing that came out of Broketober is our realization of how few different meals we actually make. We've got a couple of favourites (I make a mean lasagna) but reaching out of our comfort zone will be necessary if we're going to survive the winter. I've actually got two new recipes planned for this week and I'm hoping they turn out, if only because the institutional cafeteria food at work is as good as you think it is.

4. Pretty Frock Purchases

Rating: SHE WON'T HOLD! HEAD BETWEEN YOUR KNEES, EVERYONE, SHE'S GOING DOWN IN FLAMES!

Oh man.. where to start. I was doing pretty well at the beginning. Bought a scarf I'd had my eye on when it went down to $10. Told myself that was okay. It was not okay. Accessories are a gateway drug, people. Bought a skirt for $20 that same day. Justified it being 50% off. Then I put in an online order. Okay, two of the three things I bought were Christmas presents; different category, we're still fine. But then this happened. Dear God.

But seriously- what was I supposed to do when faced with this?

The sale only happens two times a year and in the last 3 years I don't think I've missed one. So, let's just get this over with: I bought two, I love them, they're each probably 50 years old and they were over $100 each. I fail at not buying, I fail I fail I fail. But I look pretty swish while doing it.

Also I spent $75 at Michael's because I had to make my Halloween present and I'm secretly a crafting mom.

5. Use What I Have

Rating: Not bad, but-  Ah, who the hell even cares anymore?

I didn't excel at this either. Turns out, I didn't want to use my groupon for tapas, I wanted takeout pizza. I didn't want to get $5 off dishwasher detergent, I wanted to by a club pack of it at Costco so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. And so on. I basically let this goal transform me into this guilt-ridden hedonist who did what I felt like instead of what I should and then felt terrible while doing it. Fun!

Actually, the guilt did help a bit. At the very end of the month, I got off my butt and submitted those medical claims for a nice cheque (which, they tell me, will arrive in the mail any day now...), and used a bunch of my coupons when we went grocery shopping the first week of November. I also put a gift card I'd been hoarding on my Starbucks account so I can use that to fulfill my almost insatiable need for peppermint mocha's from now until January. Guilt - it's not just to make you call your mother anymore!

-<>-

So: what have we learned. Nothing. Okay, maybe that I might need a shopping intervention. But I'm still glad we tried Broketober. While it may not have been perfection, it did allow me to pay off my credit cards (now with a few hundred dollars on them as I begin that most wonderful time of year "online shopping-mas") and put some money against the line of credit. It made me realize that my transportation needs weren't what I thought they were, and therefore had me put less on my transit card in November rather than buy a monthly pass. I love/hate you, Broketober. At least there's lots of discount miniature chocolate bars at the end of you.

Remember.

I'm an ugly crier. I'm a full-on sobber, face wet and shoulders shaking, words incomprehensible and face scrunched tight. I watch series finales with a blanket over my head whenever possible, and I like my sad movies 3-D so I can use the glasses to hide my swollen, puffy eyes. I try to keep my crying secret, not only out of a need for privacy, but out of a desire that no one see me fall apart in such a thoroughly unsettling way.

Considering all this, it's not surprising that I've never attended Remembrance Day ceremonies since high school.

And, frankly, it's a terrible reason.

I think we, as humans, try to avoid sadness wherever possible. I mean, real, true, sadness, not Nicholas Sparks, credits-roll-and-it's-over sadness.Sadness can be difficult- what do you say, when someone's hurting? How do you comfort when there's no real comfort to be found? Words seem inefficient, and even the word "hug" seems too plush and squishy for the occasion. We're conditioned to "buck up" to "get on with it", to "look to the bright side", as soon as possible. Not only to better ourselves, it seems, but also to make it less awkward for everyone else.

But what more appropriate occasion for sadness than today? I cannot believe what it must be like to have an entire population pick up and leave, knowing that many will not return, and that those who do will be forever changed, forever marked by things you will never fully understand. I cannot comprehend what it must be like to bury your child, to allow them to leave you for places unsure, craving and dreading phone calls and letters, jumping at every knock at the door. I cannot imagine what it feels like to watch the country you love, the neighbourhood you've lived in all your life, reduced to rubble and bloodstains in the blink of an eye. I cannot believe, comprehend, or imagine. But I can grieve. And I can offer my ugly, sobbing, sadness.

While our nation is far from perfect, I recognize that living where I do, how I do, in the time I do, has afforded me the kind of luxurious safety and freedom that others can only dream of. And I'm aware that that safety and freedom does not come easy, and it does not come cheap. It comes at the expense of young men and women in lands far from home, of social justice defenders and their desire for a better world, of children and families huddled together in fear. I'll keep my feelings on war and the politics therein separate from today, only say that there is space in your heart for the victims of war as well as its soldiers. Our capacity for empathy is infinite, we can mourn and celebrate one thousand things without breaking. Human hearts are like Tardises - they can always store more than it appears they can.

So if you're a fellow ugly crier, go ahead, let it out, today's a perfect day to have a heavy heart and a dripping nose. And I'll do my best to join you next year. Because for all the beauty and talent and laughter we can produce, humans are still capable of incomprehensible evil and today is a grave reminder of that. But also cry for all the good that we can do, because I truly believe the good outnumbers the bad, most days. I have to.