2014: The Wig That Was

I've done one of these every year, since about 2002 and it felt wrong not to do it again this year, even though looking backwards is the last thing I want to do most days. I remember when we bought our house and when we got the dog, I had to stop myself from making every answer to these "I bought a house" or "we got a dog!". The same principle is going to apply here - my mom and grandfather died, it's been terrible, the end. But 2014 was 11 months before it became miserable. And one day, I'm going to want to remember those, too. Here goes

2014 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

Participated on an "expert" panel, wore a bikini, went to an all-inclusive resort, visited a prison.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes and no. My New Year's Resolutions were:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

My reading resolution fell apart - my smartphone has effectively killed my love of reading. I've tried to get back into it lately, but paying attention to plot is not my strong suit these days. I really liked The Bluest Eye, read at the beginning of the year. The only other one I can remember actually getting through was a reread - Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. I read it outloud to TB and he loved it. I bought a tonne of books second hand this year and joined a loosey goosey book club so I hope to improve on that once my brainmeats are ready.

Definitely did the new restaurants thing, but it's kind of cheating because i did so much travelling. In town, I visited Izakaya, which was okay but I think I need to give them another try to fully form that opinion; Wilf and Ada's , which is adorable and lovely as their old owners (and namesakes) were; Union 613, which has become a new favourite, even with the communal seating; the Cordon Bleu, which was for a work party, and that work party was a murder mystery, so I have no idea of how they "really" are, but was pleasant and well-prepared and in a beautiful setting; The Wellington Gastropub, which is fantastic, and has the most accommodating kitchen I've ever seen; Stella Luna, which, true to my friend's word, produced the best gelato I've ever had; and Good Eats, the around-the-corner sandwich shoppe that has stolen our hearts. Everything there has been awesome, and I was really really prepared to hate them, as they took over my beloved Scone Witch. All is forgiven.

I don't think I cooked hardly anything new. Off the top of my head I know I did an orzo pasta salad that's become a favourite, but nothing else springs to mind. Just twists on old favourites, mostly. I will try and change that this year. I miss cooking.

The hanger trick was brilliant - I did it twice and got rid of a couple of bags of clothes, then I sold a bunch more to consignment store and some friends. And then I bought more things. Because I'm a goober. 

Made the list for my house and I'd say I was justthisshy of completing half. Giving myself a "go" on this one, because I can, damnit.

Don't know if I'm going to be able to make any resolutions this year. Just surviving seems insurmountable at this point. Let's keep the first three and add a "try to become at least a shadow of who you once were". Sounds good.

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

TB's cousin gave birth to another adorable British lad, my friend Kait had her second, and a pal from University had her first. And it begins...

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

Okay, I'm allowed to answer this one with the obvious answer at least. My mom died on December 2nd, my grandfather on December 29th. They were the best people I ever knew.

5.  What countries did you visit?

You know, before this year turned into a shitstorm, it was pretty great-  I doubled the amount of countries I'd been to and did a bunch of new things. I went to Paraguay, Argentina, NYC, and Toronto for work. I went to Mexico, Upstate New York, and Montreal for fun. I was actually sick of airports at one point. Nice 1st world problem to have. To more adventures!

6.  What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

Some semblance of sanity. A lower balance on the line of credit. And a carryover from the last 2 years: an inbox that's manageable.

7.  What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Okay, we've covered the deathiversaries, and do believe I'll never forget them but, other than that, let's see...

October 28 - Attended and reported on a debate at the UN, which was neat
November 10 - a really awesome girls' day with my sister and mom
December 17 - learned where I'll be going for work in 2016

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I love the contrast here.

January -November: Presenting publicly and competently on a topic I'd only been working on for 2 months, Organizing a week-long program for a visitor who did not speak English and doing it well, getting around three Spanish-speaking cities with my very basic "Me llamo es" Spanish.

December: Writing and delivery two eulogies. Breathing in and out. Existing.

Bar is painfully low right now.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Not getting my number 1 posting choice was kind of a letdown but that whole thing kind of faded into the background, to be honest. If you'd like to hear more about my personal failings, please visit me between the hours of 1-3am daily. I'll be happy to share my long list of regrets.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

Flu-maggedon in March laid me low but otherwise, physically healthy for most of this year, I think.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Bought a picnic table for $40 from our neighbours that they just had out on their lawn and it's been great. And honestly? I just bought these amazing patterned long johns that I wear instead of pants lately and they. are. gamechangers.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

God, where do I start? I have been utterly and completely spoiled by the kindness, understanding, humour and compassion of my friends. Jax, C, and Sarah have gone above and beyond the call of "best friend" and have checked in on me, sent me things, made me feel loved and appreciated and cared for, which has been all the more bittersweet, as I've lost the people who did that for me so effortlessly. Friends who showed up at funerals, or donated in my mom's name, or who have reached out and shared their stories of loss, or just let me know that when i want a distraction, they're there, have meant so much to me. And Owen, for all his not-knowing-loss, has been a rock for me. He visited my mother and my grandfather with me, went through funeral arrangements, holds me when I fall apart, and tries his very best to understand and love the basketcase that's replaced his girlfriend. I honestly believe that I would not be here without all of them.

My sister has been strong in a way that has just astounded me, as well. I hope I'm being half as good to her as she is to me, lately. My uncle and others who lived to make sure my grandfather was loved and taken care of are my heroes. I love them and am in awe of their seemingly bottomless well of compassion.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

For all that compassion, and kindness, and love, and positivity my family has shown, some members are just so damn self-centred, so egregiously uncaring, that my use of the previously practically unuttered c-word has shown a 400% increase. However, now that I'm an adult I don't have to pretend that I respect, or even like these people, and it feels fantastic.

Also, Jian Ghomeshi.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Travel, eating out, and taxis. And it feels fantastic.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Every one of the trips I went on. At some point, I was really looking forward to Christmas but... y'know.

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2014?

All About that Bass - Megan Trainor
I'm Coming Home - J Cole

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
ii. Thinner or fatter?
iii. Richer or poorer?

Almost impossibly sadder.
Thinner, by about 5 pounds.
Poorer, in almost every sense of the word.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reading, visiting, getting my family to tell me stories of the past that are now essentially gone, dreaming of pleasant things.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Idly surfing the 'net instead of working or doing something productive, crying, hanging out with the good people at Capital Memorial, worrying.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

It's weird, knowing that a Christmas is going to be the worst you've ever had. That being said, it wasn't terrible. The tree was beautiful. The weather was mild. I had a meltdown the night of Christmas Eve that sucked all joy out of it, but Christmas Day was okay. Spoke to and laughed with some friends, opened presents with my sister and dad and watched Lily be dumb, had my uncle over for breakfast, made Christmas Dinner, visited my grandfather, ate the meal with that same uncle and my cousin. Finished opening presents around 1am, then drank a bottle of sparkling wine with my sister and dad and poured some out for my mom. Quiet, small, but okay.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

Again, not terrible. Went to the suburbs to my family's house with TB and the dog. Invited my uncle over. Played charades, watched the ball drop, drank more sparkling wine, traded stories, called it a night around 1:30. Warm, cozy, and okay.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2014?

With the aforementioned long johns.

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually. <---- Keeping last year's answer because it is GOLDEN

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

Game of Thrones, Archer, Portlandia, Modern Family, Rewatched all of Mr. Show, Mad Men. Lot of good tv this year.

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Family drama is amazing. Channeling your anger into one terrible person can feel so, so good.

26.  What was the best book you read?

I'm going to say The Bluest Eye, even though I fully admit it had no company. I tried to start The Magicians, re-start The Night Circus and re-read The Book Thief, and failed on all accounts.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I don't think I really listened to too much music this year. The Songza "Happy indie Pop" playlist was my favourite way to wake up, though.

28.  What did you want and get?

A space heater for our frigid 1918 house, a hammock, a container garden, a posting abroad, a true vacation (as opposed to "a trip")

29.  What did you want and not get?

A chance to regroup before the next blow, my first christmas morning ever with just my family, a more organized life, a new roof.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

The Lego Movie was just great.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Threw myself a little shindig at my place. Figured out that lemondrop Jello shots are infinitely easier than lime ones and went to town on those, invited the people who were still in town and we drank lots and ate a fair amount. The next day, on my actual birthday, my family came over and we hung out, ate dinner and, for the first time in ages, went down to the bridge to watch fireworks. It rained, but we insisted, and my sister gave my mom her umbrella so that she'd stay dry. In retrospect, I'm so glad we went. And then I was 32.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To have not suffered the losses I did, obviously. But other than that - an office with a window. Or even keeping my old office. I have an office in a hallway now. I'm nothing.

To have my awesome friends be less than 1000 miles away, in every direction.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

"Barely Acceptable". I stopped wearing blazers and dress pants, largely because i got too fat for 'em. Then I switched tights to leggings. And dresses became sweater dresses. And heels became flats became ankle boots. This time next year I'll basically be conducting meetings in a onesie.

34.  What kept you sane?

Borrowing Sarah's answer of 2003 - I was kept sane?

Playing games on my phone was once again MVP and I have no shame about that. 0hh1 is the most incredible therapist.

Our vacation in April was the most amazing way to unwind that I've ever experienced.

But really, my friends and family. I hate reaching out for help, but I'm so glad I have been. And Lily. God bless her little broken self. I am immensely thankful that dogs don't really understand human suffering. They just know that it's breakfast time and that you need to get the fuck out of bed.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Hamm is still cut from marble, Joel McHale made a comeback. And of course, for the 14th year in a row: Paul Rudd.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Ferguson and similar stories filled me with such sadness and anger, as did the myriad of  continuing "rape culture" stories that seemed to be part of a never-ending flow. It was a really sad year for news, it feels.

37.  Who did you miss?

My mom and my grandfather forever and a day.

The dozens of friends I have around the world who made their presence known, but distance prevented me from hugging them outright. The last cohort of colleagues who moved to warmer climes gutted me quite a bit, actually.

The person I used to be. I'm hoping I get to see her from time to time, though.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

My colleague, Laura, is fabulous and emotional and down-to-earth and eccentric and Latin and great. I also got to know a few people better, including my favourite trivia quizmaster, and that was a delight. I "re-met" a cousin of mine who lost her mom when she was 31 and she was a life raft at my grandpa's funeral. I'm hoping we get to talk more this year.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

Last year's was more apt than I ever thought it would be. It might be too much to count on it this year but it's worth repeating:

"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

In reality, I think I've learned:

"That's the thing about pain [...] it demands to be felt."
-John Green

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"The smell of hospitals, and winter, and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls."

-Counting Crows, "A Long December"
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This is the most depressing and repetitive one of these I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it. Even bad memories are part of the building of you.

Compounded

6 days after I wrote that last entry, my grandfather, my mother's father, also passed away.

It was almost funny, walking back into the same funeral home almost exactly three weeks later, meeting with the bubbly and efficient Adrienne again, hearing her admonish us for not following her last instructions - "I don't want to see you back here for a long, long, time" - same room full of caskets, same catering menu, same pit in the centre of your chest that threatens to consume all of you. But a little different, of course. And, in some ways, just a little bit worse.

I did both their eulogies. I did one for my grandmother, too, four years ago. This has made me the de facto eulogizer in my family now, a task I would happily leave to literally anyone else - if I weren't so damn good at it. Unfortunately, it's half because it's easy to write about people you love so intensely, and half because, let's be frank, I've gotten some decent practice recently. The theatre degree continues to have unforeseen uses.

I'd be lying if I said I'm okay, though for some moments I'm "okay". I eat, I dress myself, I bathe, I laugh, I play with the dog, I watch my newly-acquired Netflix. I survive. In those moments I can see a bare glimmer about 50 miles in the distance, of how, one day, I might be able to rebuild a life for myself. But the nights are harder. Around 10 I can feel it coming in, like a tide, or a cloud cover announcing an impending storm. And before I even know to run for cover, the thoughts are there, smothering me, unable to let me alone for even a moment.

Sometimes I think about regret. I force myself to conjure up every shitty thing I ever did to them, or think about how things would have been different if only I'd paid more attention, forced them to get second opinions, helped out in some way. I think about how scared they might have been, or lonely. I think about how I can never give them presents, or affection, or tell them I love them ever again. I know it's useless, and probably damaging to think this way. So then I think about anger. I think about the way some family members treated them. I think about the things we'll never get to experience, the things that other people take for granted. I think about intact families in malls, multi-generational groups of women, arm-in-arm, getting pictures with Santa, eating in food courts, blowing on the bellies of oblivious infants. I get so angry that all I want to do is push those families down the stairs. I've taken to muttering "You'll get yours" under my breath instead, and it helps, even if I acknowledge this is pretty much the Most Shitty Thing to Think.

Sometimes the regret and the anger are too exhausted to come, so then I invite fear. Fear that this is my life now; that, one by one, month by month, everyone who means something to me will disappear, leaving me behind. Fear that the support I have right now will fade away as people expect me to "get over it" and I will have to go through life as I do now - a shell that smiles and says the right thing and nods at what you're saying when inside I am roiling, boiling lava, a heatwave of panic and despair that moves up and down my body like some Hellish tide. Fear that this shroud I put on every morning will always complete every outfit, every day. Fear that I am not strong enough to rebuild any of this life, never mind myself.

And when the regret and the anger and the fear and the despair and the panic have all tucked themselves in for the night, I settle back into agony. Because there's always, Always, a little more agony left at the end of the day.

Grief is a generous guest. He never lets you deal with anything alone.

Thief of Joy

My grief fills rooms. It takes up space and it sucks out the air. It leaves no room for anyone else. 

Grief and I are left alone a lot. We smoke cigarettes and we cry. We stare out the window at the Chrysler Building twinkling in the distance, and we trudge through the cavernous rooms of the apartment like miners aimlessly searching for a way out. 

Grief holds my hand as I walk down the sidewalk, and grief doesn’t mind when I cry because it’s raining and I cannot find a taxi. Grief wraps itself around me in the morning when I wake from a dream of my mother, and grief holds me back when I lean too far over the edge of the roof at night, a drink in my hand. 

Grief acts like a jealous friend, reminding me that no one else will ever love me as much as it does. 

Grief whispers in my ear that no one understands me. 

Grief is possessive and doesn’t let me go anywhere without it. 

I drag my grief out to restaurants and bars, where we sit together sullenly in the corner, watching everyone carry on around us. I take grief shopping with me, and we troll up and down the aisles of the supermarket, both of us too empty to buy much. Grief takes showers with me, our tears mingling with the soapy water, and grief sleeps next to me, its warm embrace like a sedative keeping me under for long, unnecessary hours. 

Grief is a force and I am swept up in it. 

- The Rules of Inheritance, Claire Bidwell Smith

As of today, my mother has been dead for three weeks. I don't know what else to say about that right now, especially since the above pretty much encompasses it all. 

Exceptions: I don't smoke cigarettes, but I make up for that in the amount of sparkling wine I consume. And I don't have the Chrysler building to stare at, just the four walls of a downtown single home that have become something of a cocoon, a clapboard sleeping bag where the only physical reminders of her are slight. Not to worry, of course, because grief provides enough of them on its own.

More to come, I expect.

Reflections on a Messed-up Wednesday.

 I was 19 on 9/11.

I mention that, not because I think that what happened in my city yesterday is at all on par with what happened hundreds of miles away and 13 years ago, but only because that's the last time my chest felt the same sort of hollowness.

Yesterday, a man shot a soldier at the war memorial downtown. Yesterday, that same man walked into Parliament and attempted to kill more people. Yesterday, my city became a hashtag.

It was strange to see Ottawa on CNN, the BBC, Fox News. Stranger still to see them talk about us as though we weren't in the room. And yet it was somewhat exciting - I acknowledge that Canada has always had a complex about this - if you want Canadians to talk about your tv show/album/comedy sketch around the proverbial water cooler, mention anything Canadian in passing.

There was no clue that morning that yesterday would go the way it went. TB noticed a large black armored cop car on his way to work around 10am. He thought nothing of it other than "cool!" and made a mental note to mention it to me.

By suppertime, we were fully immersed in the cliché of the footage looking like a movie. I don't know how else to describe it - I have never seen a police officer with a gun raised in my city. I'm still basically the most naive person you'll meet.

People in coffee shops say that everything has changed now. For the record, I don't think it will. Oh, sure, if you're a tourist hoping to see the Parliament Buildings for the next while, your day is going to get a little longer. I actually breathed a sigh of relief that my job requires less visits there than in the past, if only because i can't imagine how the coat-off-phone-off-xray-bags-metal-detector-hand-scanner process can get even *longer*. And I can only imagine how much more AWESOME this is going to make the 2015 election cycle. But even today, people are moving freely, maybe stopping to chat at a bus stop to share a "can you believe it?" and a "in this city?" with a stranger, but everything is basically normal. Everything continues.

The news anchors from other countries say that Canada has lost its innocence. Which is, to be honest, pretty effing condescending. We are not a nation of children. We understand that madness and blind rage and misplaced hatred are realities, even if we hope it will never touch us personally. But we have weathered worse and, sadly and likely, we will weather it again.

The talking heads on the television say that Canada is more angry than anything. This might be true, generally, but I'm not angry. Surprised, a little. Perhaps a bit drained. Shaken somewhat. But I cling to the knowledge that people are inherently good. That it is so much easier to be good. And when that doesn't work, I fall back on the black humour that has served me so well in the past as well.

And I even realized that this time, I'm no longer astounded when things like this happen. I've lived for a long time now knowing that the world is a place where guns won't disappear and buildings won't stand forever and planes don't always go where they're supposed to. So this is just our turn now. And it's terrible, and it's made me sad, and I know we have to "do something to confront this scourge" but I'm just not feeling it right now.

I do feel a bit guilty, and a bit smug, if we're being totally honest. I made a promise to myself, a few years ago, that I would stop being an apologist for my city. If you talk to anyone about Ottawa, it won't take long before you hear someone trot out the "city that fun forgot" line. And it was easy just to go along with them, nodding sagely as they expounded on the virtues of other, more worldly cities.

I get it, I do. For every museum and beautiful landscape and great restaurant and lovely shop, there is also a downtown core that rolls up its sidewalks at midnight, an infuriating amount of crabbiness that makes every joyous sound a noise violation and every public event a traffic nuisance, and an urban sprawl that makes it genuinely difficult to get anything to take off. It's also where government sits, so it automatically gets a bad rap from anyone who dislikes the political side of things.Ottawa is a city of transplants and bureaucrats, people who came here for a job and decided, or had it decided for them, that they would not leave. There is a really lovely tight community here of shop owners, restauranteurs, artists, and activists, but there are also a lot of people who wish they were someone else and really can't wait to shit on this city that they would rather not call home.

But now, of course, it seems gauche to trot out the eyerolling snarls that Ottawa is terrible. Which means that I'm free to let my love for this place shine without fear of a caustic response. And that's where the guilt comes in. A good young man is dead for absolutely no reason. A place that seemed so removed from any of this now has a black mark against it. And yet I love my city just as much as I did yesterday. Not to get too hipster about it, but more than once I've found myself mumbling one of my favourite Simpsons quotes under my breath:

"I knew the dog *before* he came to class!"

But mostly, I'm glad that people are taking a moment to realize that Ottawa is it's own kind of lovely, and is full of good people, and that Canadians are, for the most part, resilient, and kind and strong and sensible. And I will repeat this mantra in the coming days, because if the media blame game is going the way I think it's going, we'll all need the reminder.

13 years ago, the memory that stands out most clearly for me is the moment after our University class let out early. We all walked out into the sunshine, mingling with the government workers who had also been set free. All slightly dazed, as if not quite understanding how the weather didn't get the memo: this wasn't the time for blue skies, Autumn; no one should have this amount of sun on their face.

Yesterday, I spent the majority of my afternoon on lockdown inside my windowless office - a somewhat redundant warning, as I spend nearly every weekday afternoon on self-imposed lockdown inside my windowless office. But when I left the building that afternoon, dreading the long trip home ahead of me, I noticed, again, that no one had bothered to tell Mother Nature that this was a long, sad day. Sun dappling the faces of passersby, satisfying crunches of leaves under boots, crisp nip in the air. As Stefon would say "This day has *everything*". Like the city didn't have a care in the world.

Proof perfect that the world continues moving, unabated. Perfect proof that, despite it all, we will, too.

State of the Summer: The Season So Far

Permit me a moment to embrace my inner old person and talk about the weather here, won't you? Thanks, dearie. Pour yourself some Pimm's.

To say the summers are short here is a ridiculous understatement. If the year was measured in the heights of Hollywood actors, summer would be Danny DeVito*. This summer in particular has been an especially weird one. We've had some real downpours, as well as the normal week or so of unbearably hot weather, a couple of great swimming days and then... bam. Fall. Like, I've worn tights to work twice this week without feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin. I wore a sweater to a going-away party... and it was being held in a sweaty bar. The dog doesn't bite us when we put her in a shirt. Even for Canada, this is weird.

Ours is a city that clings to summer like a static-y sock to a slip, however, so even though the nights are cooling off and the stores are full of pea coats, it ain't over till it's over. We will gather on patios and shiver in tents and eat frozen novelties while rocking a cable knit until at least Thanksgiving.

When the summer started, I made an informal list of things I wanted to do before its untimely end. Now, technically I have until September 21 to say I got 'er did, but I've actually made amazing headway on it already. Which is maybe why, though everyone from the trained meteorologists to my notoriously fickle sister has said it's been a crappy summer, it really hasn't felt that way to me. Anyway, here's what this summer has held so far:

Summer 2014 Bucket List

#1 Fact: California Barbie UNO is the greatest invention the gaming
world has ever known. Even if it's a bit racist.

1.  Have a picnic

Last year, during our city's biggest garage sale, I managed to score me a picnic basket. All wicker and retro, with cutlery inside, it was a hipster's wet dream and only $5 (because some ne'erdowell had already made of with the blanket). "But will you use it?" my sister asked, to which I replied "um, obviously!"

It then spent 14 months collecting dust in our basement, kept warm by its brethren, beanbag chair and full-length mirror.

Driven by a desire to enjoy one of the warmest days of the year (and also to prove my lousy sister wrong), I finally dusted off the old girl a few weeks back.

Spite never felt so good. Found a shady spot under a for-real willow tree, kicked off our shoes and supped upon cheese, artisnal meats, olive and rosemary bread, two kinds of salad, lemonade, and brownies. I made the MVP decision to buy a bottle of water on the way down, which ensured only one of us got heat stroke. We learned that the California Barbie UNO game I picked up for free in my old apartment's laundry room is, in fact, amazing, and that I can only eat two Reese Peanut Butter brownies before I want to throw up. I'm still hoping we'll get another picnic in before it turns cold (or maybe even after? Fall picnics sound like something twee people do - probably already a wedding theme on Pinterest?). But either way, consider this one crossed off.

2. Find a couple of good pairs of shorts

This might not seem like much of a "goal" for you kids, but trust me - for me, shorts shopping is only slightly above bra and bathing suit shopping in the circles of clothes-shopping hell. Luckily for me, I managed to snag not one, but TWO pairs of shorts I enjoy this year, as well as two pairs of capris. I also got rid of two pairs that were just not going to happen for me, ever. Painful, but freeing.

3. Wear a bikini

Remember what I said about short shopping? I would do it every day until I retire if it meant I didn't have to go bathing suit shopping. This year, however, in anticipation of a warm-weather vacation, I decided one bathing suit wasn't going to cut it, so I bought two more - this one and, more scandalously (for me), this one. Surprisingly, it's the latter that's seen the most action this summer. I wore it for the first time in Mexico (where I comforted myself that I would see none of these people again) and have worn it in the pool a few times since. Not brave enough around anyone but strangers and family at the moment but y'never know...

4. Go swimming a 1/2 dozen times

Like I said, since I bought the bathing suits, I've been all about perfecting my butterfly stroke game.

5. Wear more dresses

Okay, last fashion-related item. I'm usually a dress gal, but as a woman-of-heft, often times, wearing a dress in the summer is downright unbearable. Enter Bandelettes. I never thought a pair of lace bands could be such a game changer, but here we are. Finally, I can wear a dress all day, and most of the night, without being uncomfortable. They're not perfect - they can roll up a tiny bit if you don't get them just right, the silicone can be a bit irritating to the skin after 10+ hours, and one pair got a hole along the inside seam very early on (though they were replaced free of charge!) - but they have allowed me to go through most of this glorious season without wearing tights or shapewear or shorts (though, again, now I'm wearing tights... lousy Smarch weather)

This new discovery allowed me to wear the following new dresses with delight:

Photo credit: http://bethemuse.ca/

I may or may not have a problem. 

I choose "may not".

6. Host a Clothing Swap

Just in case I do have a problem, however, I really need to host a clothing swap. Every weekend without plans, every online grazing born out of boredom ends up testing the tensile strength of my closet bar. I still have a month left to get rid of stuff before summer's over, if not by a swap, then on Facebook or drop the load at the consignment store/charity depot. My bedroom clothing rack is looking less "New Girl" and more "Hoarders: Buried Alive"

7.  Go to the independent movie house more often

Since the only first-run movie theatre moved out of our downtown core (Don't even start, it's ridiculous), I made a pact to support our city's independent theatres more frequently. It's been a rollicking success so far. I even bought a membership to one of them and have already made my money back on it, seeing Chef, The Grand Seduction, and this little gem, all of which were delightful:

#7 If you liked The Room, but felt its production values were too high,
and its plot too plausible, you'll love Fateful Findings.

We've got a couple more lined up for the next few weeks as well, and I'm hoping this is a trend that continues into the Winter.

8. Go to the free outdoor movie screenings near our house

#8: Over 500 people agreed: everything is cool
when you're part of a team

When we were first looking at moving into our house back in the summer of 2012, one of the things that struck us as being particularly awesome about the neighbourhood was that the park across the street showed movies projected on a giant screen during the summer weekends. I swore then that we'd take advantage of that the following summer, but we never did. This year, however, we made a pact to attend at least one - and we did! We went on opening weekend to see The Lego Movie (which is just perfection, AFAIC). It was such a cool experience to have a bunch of people - families, singles, hipsters, middle-aged hippies, etc. just hanging around, eating indian food (food truck sponsorship is a beautiful thing) and drinking from smuggled thermoses of wine, laughing and enjoying themselves. Also, a month later, I'm still laughing at this, the finest scene in cinema history as well as the greatest use of "Jock Jams" to date:

Hoping to go back to see Singing in the Rain this weekend, if it isn't rained out again. (irony! coincidence!)

9. Get a pedicure

Preemptively crossing this off as it's booked for next Friday, along with a facial - apologies in advance to whatever pour soul is tasked with my pores/soles.

10. Eat on patios

I'm leaving this one uncrossed, because even though I've eaten al fresco at least 4 times this year, I'm an Ottawan, so that's not even close to enough. Gonna need to at least 2 more patio dineages to this list before I'm even close to satisfied.

I've also eaten enough of these suckers this year to make it
on the Greenpeace watchlist.

11. Throw a party

Turned 32, invited some pals to our place, made all the food, lit sambuca on fire, dressed the dog in a tshirt, used my outdoor voice past 3am. Done.

#11: I even had it catered!

#12: The only thing greener than these babies is my thumb.

12. Build a better vegetable garden

I am so damn proud of my garden this year. We've had some issues (Squirrel Green Bean Massacre 2014: we shall not forget ye), but so far we've had two dinners worth of green beans and four delicious tomatoes (with a tonne more coming, it seems). Possibly my proudest produce is my cucumbers. Little Lebanese-ish guys, we've had two great looking (and tasting) ones already, with another 5 (!) starting to grow. I have an absurdly strong love for how they wrap around our wooden posts, sometimes securing themselves over the course of only a day. I've almost started personifying them, which is super weird, because then I eat them.

13. Pickle some of summer's bounty

Shut up. You'll be the nerd once I'm eating princess-worthy spicy garlic pickled beans and you're crunching on your pedestrian Bicks like a garbage person.

14. Build a "container" garden

Anyone who's ever been to my house knows that our backyard is not a thing of beauty. It's all cracked asphalt and pine needles and one scary-ass shed that probably has some horrific tales to tell*, but it's large, especially for downtown, and it's ours. Last year we got a patio set and a barbecue, and this year we added a bird bath, picnic table (thanks, neighbours who sold it to us for $40!) and a hammock. Oh god yes, a hammock that doesn't need trees. But what I really wanted to add was some colour. One side of our backyard has a walled area against the fence and there we were able to grow rhubarb as well as whatever lilies the squirrels didn't eat, some tulips and, of course, 8 metric tonnes of mint. But the rest of the area was rather unused. We had one large, rickety wooden container garden that we filled with the aforementioned cucumbers, beans, green onions and tomatoes but I wanted flowers, damnit. So enter the hipster's workhorse: the pallet.

#14: Please note the bedraggled Canada flag, trampled in the dirt,
 as physical proof of #11

This isn't even a picture of the flowers at their best but I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures of these sorts of things. We've been able to keep pansies, celosia, roses, gerbera daisies, calla lilies and other assorted pieces of awesome going since June. I'm inordinately proud of my little guys, and having this burst of colour has really improved both the backyard and my mood. I kind of can't wait to get started on next year's. Because I'm 50.

15. Get my driver's license

#15 Suck a butt, multiple choice

Yes, yes, it's true. I'm in my 30s and I never learned to drive. I did have a driver's permit once, when I was 26, but as I only used it as ID it wasn't detrimental when I let it expire. I made a commitment to get the damn thing back this year, and TB agreed to do it, too. I kind of miss his old license, however, because he hadn't updated it since he was 16, and he had this cute, pouty thing going on in his photo (quiet, that's not creepy)

16. Eat on every food truck in town

Two years back, the city loosened its restrictions on the sizes and requirements for food carts, with the idea of revitalizing the downtown area with mobile urban goodness. This is one of my favourite decisions that our municipal government has made. I have tried, very gamely, to visit all of the food trucks our city has to offer, but the fact of the matter is, some of them are in places where I just don't go very often, so it's been a bit of a challenge. But, that's essentially what this list is, so I rolled with it. Here's where I've been so far:

Relish Truck  - Had a really tasty mac n cheese here, tasty, spicy condiment known as "red sauce", quality chunky bacon, good, stringy cheese. Was jonesing for a sandwich, though, but all they were serving that day was fancy KD, so I'll have to go back.

Dosa - Never had a Dosa before, which is ludicrous, because these guys are literally a 2 minute walk from my house. Two friends and I sampled three of these, and I have to say, I was mostly "meh" about them. I think I should've the more traditional dosa, not filled with much, rather than the ones we had, filled with (underripe) avocadoes, or cheese and onions. That being said, I'd go again, if only for their insanely good soup and solid plantain chips.

Angry Dragonz  - This one would have been an instant favourite if not for the ridiculous amount of cilantro (the devil's own son) in their layered bowls. It basically made it so I couldn't eat any of it. However, that white-kid staple of thai cuisine, pad thai, was really solid and that, along with some of their fantastic skewers is enough for two people to share for lunch. I'll remember to ask that satan's bouquet not kiss my meal.

Still a couple of food trucks to go, but I think I made great headway this year.

17. See More Live Performances 

#17 If you think we didn't spend a great deal of our time remarking how
it was "Almost a triple rainbow!" you really don't know us.

I don't know what we did to deserve it, but the God of Rock was very spiteful towards us this year. The only day we managed to make it to Bluesfest, it poured like I've never seen it pour before. At the last second before I left the house, I grabbed a couple of "novelty ponchos" that TB's mom had given me as part of my birthday present. My sister scoffed at first, worried that we'd look like idiots, but when the rain poured so hard that they suspended the concerts for 1/2 an hour, she put that bad boy on with all the enthusiasm her gangly body could muster. Every once in a while, we'd see some young girl or guy, tank top plastered to their skin, mud caked down their legs, shivering around a beer coozie of Molson Canadian and we'd look at each other's ponchos and yell "MVPs!". We remained warm and dry through the torrential rain, but our backs were killing us after 5 hours of nothing but standing. And also because we're 50. Still, glad we managed to squeeze it in.

Thinking of going to Folk Fest next month, too, although that's mostly just to prove to myself that Blues Traveller is still alive.

We also took the family to see The Book of Mormon (fantastic, yet again), did 11 Fringe Plays (tied for our best year ever), snuck near the grounds to watch Lady Gaga for free, went with a friend to Glengarry Glenross at The Gladstone - I've done just fine this summer, I think, especially considering I'm such a hermit I might as well be a throw pillow.

18. Visit a Farmer's Market

Um, I'm white. Duh.

18. Go to a fair

This one kills me, but I don't think it's going to happen. The local fair was cancelled when they started redeveloping the land it was on. I tried to get the family excited about the New York State Fair, which is my fatty happy place, but no one else was feeling it. My mom, especially, was all "noooo. I want to have foot surgery. And I don't want to walk on my caaaaast" like a total baby. Whatever, her pills make her feel like she's at the fair all the time - lucky baby. Still, late summer fairs are a thing. Let's see if life will still hand me an actual rollercoaster instead of a metaphorical one.

19. Go to a cottage/go glamping

Another one that's probably a no-go this year. At first, we thought it might because TB had been holding out on me and confessed his family had a cottage. Cue outrage. But it turned out the only weekend it was free was when we were already seeing Book of Mormon. I tried really hard to reserve something else but everything that was reasonably priced/not the set of Cabin in the Woods was taken or really far away. I honestly had no idea that so many people were hurting for a yurt-ing. Next year, I'll try to get in there before all the city folks with boners for a dock take all the prime real estate.

20. Find a new summer drink

You know I got this one in the bag. Much like I find myself.

Non alcoholic

Alcoholic

So, now that I lay it out before myself (and really, let's face it, myself is the only one still reading at this point), I actually have had kind of a lovely summer. And I'm really going to try to hang on to these memories when i'm buried beneath 14 lbs of freshly fallen sadness. Hope you're all having a good one, too. Wear sunscreen. Or don't, I'm not your mother.


And now, my summer jam:

*winter would be Brad Garrett
*we're scared to knock it down in case it releases its evil upon us

The Games We Play

Recently, TB and I celebrated 8 years together. A quarter of our lifetimes, now, most of it probably spent binge-watching premium cable programming and eating kosher dill pickles while making poop jokes. We had a fairy-tale start, a rocky first few years, and have mellowed out into something that works well for us.

Somewhat relatedly, I feel like I've been giving a lot of relationship advice lately, some unsolicited*, some not, and it's got me thinking about what it is that I really like about my relationship with TB**. Sometimes I'm scared to talk about it, because, as I learned from my deeply suspicious Jewish father, the minute you start to talk about how good something is, that's when God decides to take it away from you. So I try not to beam about the things that make me happy in case I look like an idiot once they inevitably disappear.

Which, I think you'll agree, is a pretty shitty way to go through life.

So, in an effort to beat back that particular way of thinking, let me say this about us: we can be a fucking riot.

Seriously. We're not like Paul Blart funny or anything but I get a kick out of our silliness and I think that's one of the things that holds us together even when things are going pear-shaped. I could talk about my philosophy when it comes to relationships - the importance of the "teammate" element, the need to discuss the language you use when expressing affection - I don't consider myself an expert, and would feel strangely about giving advice on the topic. So I'll talk about one aspect of our relationship that I am an expert on and really enjoy: games.

I don't mean physical, tabletop-type games (though we've been known to Settle a Catan or two in our time), but stupid, silly games we play when we're out together that make me smile. These aren't just for couples, mind you, but we do play them most when we're together. They've also become a bit of a litmus test - if you would play one of these games while out and about with me, we could probably be friends. If not, um, well, we could probably still exchange pleasantries at a dinner party. But I'd be thinking about snagging another canape the whole time.

Anywho, without further ado:

Game 1: Oh, there you/we are!

Items needed: Friends/Family/Partner; Passersby.

Instructions: Find strangers around you that remind you in some way of your present company. This could be as simple as two people with similar body types, people who are enjoying an activity you yourself enjoy - craft fair attending, buffet lunching -  or even just being in a group of people the same number as your party. Personally, I've found this works the best if you focus on people older than yourselves. Once you've found your target remark brightly, "Oh there we are!"  Point out things about them to your companion as though you were looking in a futuristic mirror.

"Oh, you decided to wear your orthopedic sandals today, while I went with the Crocs - isn't that just like us?!"
"Oh, we shouldn't have invited you to this movie, you're sleeping already!"
"I'm so glad we're carrying the same handbag! You picked that up for me at your Red Hat Society get together, didn't you?"

Like I said, this isn't strictly a couples' game; I've played it with friends and family as well. It's versatility is key to its popularity - we can play wherever we are -whether strolling by the marina, hiking in the Andes, or any number of imaginary situations I could list. I could even see this working in a zoo.

"Oh there you are! Where did you get that fetching new hat?"

Variations: "Oh, there I am!"; "You didn't tell me dad was here!"

Oh there I am! Is reserved for children that remind you of your former self. My former self is usually a slightly chubby kid in a grape juice-stained t-shirt. If I see someone who fits the bill, for example, I chirp "Oh, there you are, 10-year-old me! Where have you been, swimming perhaps?"

You didn't tell me dad was here! Is only for people who know my dad. Basically, literally everywhere we go, there's someone or something who looks like my dad. Sometimes we use qualifiers "Oh good, short dad made it to the theatre" or "Asian dad seems to like it"

Game 2: I Didn't Know Your Album Had Dropped!

Items Needed: Friends/Family, unusual or grating background music.

Instructions: Mostly, background music is just that - something that happens to be playing while you're busy doing other things. But sometimes, just sometimes, either due to monotony, or a terrible backbeat or inane lyrics or a myriad of other issues that take the music out of the banal background and into the frustrating foreground. IDKYAHD! is just the thing for situations like this.

Like "Oh There You Are!" this is one that can be played with just about anyone, but for some reason, we play it almost exclusively with TB as the performer. Maybe it's because we know about his deep love of pan flute performance (not joking) and that makes us believe he could get behind almost any genre of music.

Essentially, as soon as I hear music that's out-of-the-ordinary - whether it be incongruous to our surroundings or repetitive and seemingly unending, or remarkably cheesy- I'll gasp, wide-mouthed, turn to TB, shove him gently and say "I didn't know your album had dropped!"

Now: the key to the game being successful is for the participants to fully commit to the banter. I can always count on my sister or TB to keep up the ruse. Usually our follow-up conversation will go something like this:

Me: IDKYAHD!
TB: Well, I wanted to keep it quiet, you know, until the label had gone through with it.
Me: So, is that a recorder you're jamming out on?
TB: Oh yeah, it's a pretty underused instrument, I just wanted to really give it the treatment it's due, y'know?
Me: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, it kind of sounds like you're just blowing into it randomly. And then, like adding a drum beat and a female vocal track over it?
TB: Well, I'm part of an experimental underground recorder movement, you probably haven't  heard of it. Also the background vocals are mine; I sing a solid alto.

<Continue until someone breaks and busts a gut laughing. The non-laugher is the winner.>

I've played this game at an Indian buffet restaurant when we realized that we were listening to some kind of experimental jazz flute compilation

It basically sounded like this, but with more sitar.

I've also played it when a cabbie switched to a Christian rock station that was playing a song that just had the word "holy" as its chorus. I've played it when the local University rock station was playing some fan-made death metal, and when the bubble tea restaurant we like was playing a K-pop cover of a Will Smith song. I've played it while watching Fox, I've played it during a beatbox, and so on. I never get tired of it and, bless him, neither does TB.

Game 3: Name! That! Dog!

Items needed: A dog. Literally any dog. I've done it with my dog, even though I actually, officially named her already.

Instructions: Shamelessly stolen from the fabulous Susan Blackwell, this game is exactly what it sounds like. Any time we see a dog on the street, I turn to TB and say, in the style of a game show announcer, "Name! That! Dahhhhhhg!" and then we both immediately yell out the name we think that dog has (or in many cases, should have). There's no real "winner", though usually one of the names will get an "oooh!" of approval and that should be considered the dog's new name going forward.

I've been messing up on this lately, taking too long, too concerned with getting the perfect name ready and not trusting my instincts enough. Though this might just be a new nervous habit, borne out of the time TB named a small scottie dog "Earl" and we considered just abandoning the game forever because it really was just the most spot-on of names.

I've also played this game as "Name! That! Person!" - it doesn't quite work out the same. My sister and I still try to guess the Jeopardy contestants names before they pop up on the screen, though. Our success rate can only be described as abysmal.

BONUS GAME: What's Their Story?

Items needed: Passersby; a Flair for the Dramatic

Instructions: Let your eyes wander over a crowd until you see a person that stands out to you for whatever reason. Turn to your friend and say, softly and suspiciously "What's Their Story?" Then you and your friend take turns adding details to the situation, whether it be their home life, the reason they're out today, their favourite things, their sordid past, whatever floats your collective boats.

This is a bonus game because I've only played it with my friend C (who is killer at it), so it's not actually a couples game... yet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So there you have it. 8 years of being in a relationship and this is what I have to share. Oh, also, communication, compromise, casual intimacy, appreciation of interests, support... yada yada yada snoozefest. Basically, if you forget all of that, just focus on the dog game and you're golden.


*mostly because I am still working on making things not all about me, even when I'm trying to be sympathetic and helpful. I'm a work-in-progress on that front.

**I almost typed "TV" which is a whole 'nother kind of deep, abiding love.

Lessons from a Dog: Stop and Smell the kibble

I woke up late this morning.

My "Hot Gossip" alarm clock went off, emitting a low, constant buzz, the only sound it can make now that it's well over 20 years old. I turned it off, rolled over and continued snoozing. A few minutes later, TB's phone alarm began to ring, some dated tinny tune that he silenced with a grumble.

I have no idea what happened between 7:15 and 8:26. Well, I mean, I know I slept but that's all I got. When TB came out of the shower I barked at him, "Why didn't you wake me up?"
"You looked so peaceful!" he answered
"I'm not peaceful now! I'm a ball of anxiety! I'm late!"

I ran around the house, fixing my humidity-hating hair into some sort of 'do, slashing at my face with blush brushes and fingertips of foundation, throwing a dress over my head, throwing a pug out the back door, throwing some food into her bowl all the while cursing my deep abiding love of sleep.

I packed my lunch, let the dog out a second time* and put on my shoes. 2 minutes to spare. I opened the door to let the dog back in and... she wasn't waiting for me by the step. I called her name. No movement. I looked into our backyard and there she sat, pretty as a picture, soaking up rays in the middle of our outdoor rug.

"Lily!" I called, "I have a treat for you!" I palmed a few pieces of kibble and held them out to her. She continued to look up at me, calm, beatific, and utterly uninterested in the paltry pieces of "food" I offered her.

This is completely unheard of. I once watched this dog eat a maple key that was in a cobweb.

"Come on girl, here you go, eat your damn kibble, come on, come here."

Nothing. Not a budge.

I sighed. I couldn't blame her. It was beautiful this morning. The air was warm, with a touch of heaviness, a preview of the oppressive heat that'll be here by his afternoon. The backyard looked especially green, no small feat for a place that's nearly all asphalt and advertised in the real estate listing as "parking for five". Even our table and chairs, cloyingly referred to as a "chat set" looked inviting. But it was now waaay past time to be at work and I was all ready to leave so I knew what I had to do.

I went inside, logged on to my work computer, checked and responded to some emails and wrote a note to my colleague:

Woke up late this morning - sorry! Time got away from me, logged on from home. Be there soon.

Then I went outside, sat in a lawn chair and just... breathed. Lily hopped up onto my lap and the two of us sat there, letting the breeze ruffle her fur as she lay her head in my hand, eyes closed as the sounds of people going through their mornings stirred around us.

It's been a crazy couple of days - weekends spent working for 3 or 4 hours each day, last minute work projects that need to be done yesterday, summer plans getting changed and made, and changed again. I've been perpetually tired, even as I recognize the moments of enjoyment or beauty or fun that peek through. And so it seemed like a necessity, this 10 minutes for myself, scratching a lazy dog under her chin and behind her ears and we sat, doing absolutely nothing.

And only after we were finally settled did she eat the kibble.

She's not doing much for my professional career, but she's one hell of a life coach.

*Clever jerk that she is, she's learned she gets a treat every time she does her business outside. So now she never does both bathroom activities both on one trip. Smart little wiener.