I got Spring Fever, and the only cure is more Spring.

What a difference a little vitamin D makes.

Watered by my happy tears

We spent a ridiculous amount of this past long weekend outside, gardening (because we're old), drinking (because we're not that old), walking and looking at houses in our neighbourhood (because we're still pretty old) and generally sunning ourselves (because we are in solidarity with the dog). It was, in a word, gloooooorious.

I've made it clear how much I despised this winter, to the point that I actually scooted down somewhere warm twice this year - something I've never done before. But this Spring has been like a re-awakening for me and, I think, this city. It sounds overblown and ridiculous, but somehow, everything seems possible again. I took the four flights of stairs this morning instead of the elevator; I signed up with an organic food delivery service; we walk the dog twice a day now, instead of the popular "no times a day" method we employed for most of January; our dinners have gone from store-bought lasagna and crispy onion strings to steaks, corn on the cob, and copious amounts of sangria; I TOOK THE STAIRS INSTEAD OF THE ELEVATOR, PEOPLE!

I feel unstoppable lately, like everything is on my side and nothing's gonna bring me down and lots of other adages that can be found in the lyrics of most late 90s bubblegum pop songs. Which is good, because I think summer is going to be pretty bittersweet. If last year's mass exodus of people moving out of the city was hard, this one's going to be damn near unbearable. But that's something for future me to worry about. For now, it's making plans with friends, enjoying late night strolls with a snorting pug and smelling lilac-scented breeze float through open windows. It's a damn delight.

An Ode to Champ

Thanks for everyone who read my last entry and retweeted it, gave me lovely private comments, etc. It was a really hard thing to put into words, and one of the only things I've ever written that made my heart hammer as I wrote it. So, again, thanks for the kindness. Let's move onto something more positive, shall we?

Last weekend I thought we were watching an animal die.

We were walking Lily on a Saturday night. It was late for her, about 11:30, but still early for us. As we left the house, we saw what I believed to be a rat. I involuntarily sucked some air between my teeth.

"What the hell is that?" I said
"I... don't know." said TB, "But it looks like a squirrel."
"Squirrels aren't that small," I countered, "And they don't hop like that."

Turns out TB was right, it was a squirrel (I owe him a Coke). A small, clumsy one who didn't seem to understand how to walk without weaving. The "me" of squirrels, as it was. It didn't seem to mind us getting closer to it, which made no sense, if you've ever seen how fast a squirrel can move. We hemmed and hawed about what to do but in the end, we decided that if it was still there when we came back from our walk, we'd do something to help it.

As we came back around, there was no sign of the little guy. Crisis averted, we went into the house, disposed of Lily's leavings and gave her a treat that smelled like garbage, which she loved. And then we stared at each other.

"Should we look for the squirrel?"
"It's late.. it's probably just sleepy."
"Aren't squirrels diurnal?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. This is exactly the kind of thing you know."
"Yeah, you're right. They are. Maybe we should look for it?"
"How would you pick it up though?"
"I could wear gardening gloves. What would we put it in?"
"I could get one of Lily's towels."

And so at about midnight, TB crept around our neighbourhood, whispering "Here squirrel, squirrel, squirrel" (or so I assume) until a few minutes later, he came back to the house with a triumphant look on his face and a tiny ball of fluff in his hands.

The fact that the squirrel had only gone a couple of feet and didn't do more than make angry squirrel noises when we picked him up made us think something was wrong with him. He was small, not baby-small, but small enough to be at least an unruly toddler. But he had a fine looking tail and didn't appear to be injured so we put him in our backyard. I got him a dish of water and a cracker with some peanut butter on it (Lily was furious that I was giving her favourite food and her travel water dish to some sort of dirty rodent!) and we stood nervously over him. We ended up putting him in our dilapidated shed to protect him from the elements and whatever nighttime creatures would fight him for the aforementioned peanut butter. Then we named him Champ (after this scene, naturally) and went to bed.

That night I dreamed he dropped on me from above. I did not sleep well.

In the morning, we took a look in the shed and TB announced he had vacated the premises. We high-fived our squirrel recovery skills and went about making brunch for my mama for mother's day. TB idly checked his phone and noticed a text from our next-door neighbour.

"Hey, I think that squirrel you were trying to catch ended up at our place. I took him in. My mom's coming over later- should we drive him out to the country?"

Crapski. Not only was the squirrel not out of the woods yet, but our neighbours had seen us traipsing around after rodents on a Saturday night. Our cred will never recover.

We told our neighbour to come over with him and started googling what the hell you do with a lethargic squirrel. We gave a call to the Humane Society but they said that if he was bigger than your palm and had a bushy tail then he was a juvenile and they recommended just setting him free. When our neighbour arrived with him in a large box, however, we realized that would basically be a death sentence. He was smaller than we recalled, for one thing, and this was driven home when he began suckling at our neighbour's finger. Ah, geez.

We called back. Yes, this is the squirrel people again. He seems like he's younger than we thought. Like, he doesn't know how to walk right, and he has trouble getting over curbs. And he's trying to suckle. He won't survive in the city. Please just tell us crazy people we can do something.

Finally, they relented, said they took in squirrels, and if we could get Champ out to their place, they'd see what they could do for him. Unfortunately, they said that if he was just too young and helpless they would euthanize him.

We considered our options.

"He'll die out here in the city. He'll get hit by a car."
"But we might be sending him to his death anyway. He might have a chance on his own... with help."
"We are not adopting a squirrel."
"He can be an outdoor pet!"
"That's not a thing."

In the end, we decided a chance at a free life courtesy of professionals who knew what they were doing was probably better than a life of junk food and dog chases with dumb old us. But as our neighbour folded Champ back in the box, and we watched him toss and turn a bit, my heart ached for the fluffy little guy. I hope he turns out to be a fighter.

It was appropriate this went down Mother's Day, this group of people coming together to help something small and vulnerable the best we could. Though Mothers get a lot of (well deserved) attention this time of year, it's a nice time to think of all who are caretakers of those who need it. To all lovers of lost causes, thanks for your kindness towards the small things in life.

And hang in there, Champ.

On the privilege of safe responses

Can I get a little serious here for a second? I can? Aces.

I was reading an article today about women who say "I have a boyfriend" as a way to have men leave them alone in clubs or other social settings. The author argues that doing so

completely removes the agency of the woman, her ability to speak for herself and make her own decisions regarding when and where the conversation begins or ends. 

For the most part, I agree. For one thing, it's dishonest. There are countless examples online of men complaining that women "play games", that they say they have a boyfriend when they don't.  I think most of us want to be honest, and I believe that when it's clear the person is pursuing you romantically and you're not interested, saying politely but firmly, "I'm not interested"  should be enough. Additionally, the fact that that phrase is usually successful at deflecting unwanted attention is problematic in the first place. A quote in the article put it perfectly:

Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest.

Boom. Yes.

But I get why people use it. Because it works. And I hate that it works, but sometimes you don't care what is the 'activist' answer or the 'intelligent' answer, sometimes you just need what's effective. Let me regale you with a (bit of a long) story.

I'm not much of a club-goer. I always feel under-dressed (or over-dressed, depending on your take on these things), I'm not a great dancer, and when it comes to drinking, the pennypincher in me hands over $8 for a mixed drink very reluctantly. I usually end up going out only with people whose company I thoroughly enjoy... which makes it all the more frustrating when I can't hear their jokes or I lose them in the crowd. That being said, I still do it from time to time, usually for a special occasion. And this particular night was a goodbye party for an acquaintance of mine before he moved to Brazil for a few years.

The bar wasn't particularly crowded at first, and I quickly found a few friends to chat with, or at least try to ("IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU!" "WHAT?!" "I SAID IT'S GOOD TO SEE. YOU." "NO, HE'S GOING TO SAO PAOLO, NOT TO RIO!"). We drank a little, we talked shop, we ate free cheese (it was a weird night). But as we were huddled in a group, trying to figure out where the goodbye boy was, a wiry man with an impish grin moved in behind me and started talking to me. I was polite, smiling in this crazed way I have when I'm uncomfortable, and tried to respond to what he was saying but he was either drunk, high or otherwise not entirely in charge of himself and it was hard to keep up. He immediately started draping himself over me, telling me I was beautiful, offering to buy me a drink, then drinking from mine (yeeeeah. Charming). I'll be fully honest, before I saw how out of it he was, his offer to buy me a drink was at first, somewhat flattering, even if I didn't feel right about accepting it. But as he became more and more insistent and "hands-on" for lack of a better term, I began to worry about what exactly would be in that drink when it made its way back to me. I politely (Canadian politely, even, which is 3.8 times more polite than responses of other nations) turned him down repeatedly.

"No, thank you."
"I'm just here with my friends."
"It's really okay, thank you for the offer. I'm fine. No."

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Eventually my friends (who finally clued in that I didn't know this guy and was not eager to get to know him) "saved" me by steering me away from him and down to the dance floor. Problem solved, self-agency intact. Once there, we danced, we drank, we judged, it was a grand time. I quickly put the incident with Grabby Drinkbuyer out of my head.

We called it a night fairly early and were out of there by 1:30 or so. I offered to walk a friend home since it was pretty close and her street was only 7 blocks from mine. It was a nice night and I didn't mind the fresh air after the sweat and noise of the bar. We chatted until we hit her street, said our goodbyes, and I started walking home. About 2 blocks in, I gave my boyfriend a call to let him know I was on my way. He asked if I wanted him to walk out to meet me, and I brushed it off. He was home, cozily snuggled up with our dog, playing Dark Souls or Dead Space or whatever the heck he was into at the time. "I don't mind, it's okay," he said. So I relented. And I'm really really glad I did.

About 3 blocks away from home, an SUV pulled up beside me. A man leaned out, flashing a smile. At first, I didn't even notice. I had been thinking about the night, what I was going to do that weekend, whether it was too late to walk the dog, really riveting stuff. When he shouted "Hey!" my head snapped up, and my first thought was "directions. He must need directions." So I was confused, then, when he asked where *I* was going. "Home," I answered, and began walking again.  He grinned at me. "Why so serious? Why don't you smile?" Oh my lord. At this point, the "give me a smile" line was something I'd only heard other women complain about - I'd never actually heard it used it real life. This guy was like a cartoon of a harasser. "Why don't we talk?" he continued and at this point, I started getting uncomfortable. It was 1:30, I was in between two well-traversed streets but where I was was now was very dimly lit. "No thanks," I said, and consciously sped up a bit, head down.

The street I was on was a one-way, heading away from me, so I passed him, and he drove away. I didn't look back but I assume he turned onto another street. I shook my head- truly this was a night of bizarre interactions.

I continued for another block, when I became conscious of footsteps behind me, speeding up. I didn't think much of it until he was right beside me, the guy from the SUV. He had parked his car somewhere, gotten out, and caught up to me on foot. "Where are you going?" he asked a second time. "Home," I said, again, a little bit freaked out at this point. "Where are you coming from?" "A goodbye party" I answered. "Why are you walking so fast?" he asked, "I don't know you," I responded.

"You don't have to speed up, don't worry," he said, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was massively uncomfortable. "I don't know who you are, okay, please don't," I said, speeding up a little more. It should be pointed out that even though I kept saying I didn't know who he was he never introduced himself.

And he matched me step for step. And he was close enough that his arm was brushing mine. And he was taller and stronger than I was. And the street was deserted. I remember thinking if I had an alderman, I should contact him about the lack of lighting in this neighbourhood.

My eyes scouted for my boyfriend, beginning to get worried. The man became irritated, his voice more clipped now, "Don't walk so fast. We're just talking. You don't have to be scared. We're just. Talking."

And that's when I said it.

"I have a boyfriend," I blurted out.

"Oh, do you?" he smiled.
"Yes," I said, and then squinted in the darkness, "and there he is."

TB came sauntering out, all 6'2" of him looking very menacing in flip flops and a grin.

"That's your boyfriend, is it?" he smirked. I had to admit, it did seem like an awfully large coincidence that just as things started to turn serious, this white knight appears out of nowhere. But already the man had changed his posture, he stood back, slowed his pace a little, gave me some breathing room. As soon as I caught up to my boyfriend I gave him a hug and said "Hi, babe."

And just like that, the tension broke completely. "Oh, sorry man," the guy said and jogged (jogged!) away from us, turning down a side street.

"Who was that?" TB asked.
"I have no fucking clue," I said, and gave him a quick rundown of what had happened. TB's face clouded a bit as he listened and then he put his house keys between his knuckles.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going after him."
"Please don't. I just want to go home."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, please. I understand but let's just go home."

So we walked the remaining block to our place. And I gave my dog overly-vigorous belly rubs and I had a drink of water, and we discussed whether we should call the cops (we didn't. I never got a really good look at him and, since he didn't actually *do* anything but be creepy as hell, I imagined there wouldn't be a lot of good that would accomplish), and we laughed a little at the whole thing, so I wouldn't cry a little at the whole thing.

As I crawled into bed that night, I thought about how I hoped that guy didn't run into another girl who didn't have a boyfriend walking out to her. And how I hated the fact that I needed my boyfriend, and how lucky I was that I had him to need. I'm not traumatized by this experience or anything, I still go out at night, I still like my neighbourhood, I still think dudes are, for the most part, good. But it does occupy a little of my brain space and occasionally, though it pains me to admit it, I do think "what if?" and shivers run through me.

All this to say, I get this editorial, I really do. "I have a boyfriend" does seem like a shitty excuse to get someone to stop speaking to you, and as was the case with Grabby Drinkbuyer, I was able to deflect that situation without any utterance of a boyfriend. The excuse supports a system whereby women are still seen to be "taken" by their partners, rather than beings with their own agency who have the ability to control who they do and don't speak with.

But when you're on a darkened street, or outside a club, or at a party, and someone is telling you to smile for him and talk to him, and isn't listening to your "please stop"s - well if "I have a boyfriend" makes him back off, for God's sake, use it. Use whatever you need to feel secure and don't feel badly about it. In a perfect world, "I'm not interested" would be enough, every time, but this world is far from perfect. And I'd rather be flawed and safe, than right and dead.

A Tale of Two Cities

Let's pretend I had a paragraph here apologizing for the long gap in entries. Let's imagine it was heartfelt and thorough and not only answered for absences but made you, the reader, feel better about yourself and your own life path. Now let's smile at the thought of such a moving paragraph, and let go of all irritation and disinterest associated with this blog.

Good. Very good. Namaste.

Basically, as my mother would (very confusingly) say, I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger. February/March are my most overloaded times at work, and this year was no exception. However, let's face it, I still found time to be an undisputed boss at Candy Crush, so I've obviously still got my priorities skewed.

Y'know, 2014 is shaping up to be a strange little year. I don't know what to think of it at all. It started out pretty blah, what with continued illness and neverending winter and vague sense of disappointment in many aspects of my life. But as the buds turn to blossoms (or, I assume they will after another month of snow squalls), so has life turned to "huh. that could be fun." But just as I start to lift my head up, something else comes back down to crush it. If nothing else, I'm keeping humble, which is a good thing. I'm choosing to see it as such.

Frankly, I'm worried Buenos Aires
is running out of buildings.

I live with a very real fear of jinxing things so I didn't mention anything here (or, really, to anyone other than my family) until I was on a plane, but I got a really awesome opportunity to go to Paraguay and Argentina last month. My work sometimes involves travel, but it rarely involves travel that isn't an accompaniment of a larger delegation or a "tag along" to a fact-finding trip or some such. I was incredibly lucky and got to go there just to attend meetings with my coworker that were relevant to my work. It was amazing. Besides the opportunity to meet and (ohgodI'mactuallyusingthisword) network with contacts I'd either never met or had only encountered virtually, the trip was a chance to soak in a little culture and warm weather during a bitterly dull winter.

I'm not really what you'd call a "seasoned" traveller, so any chance I get to go anywhere is met with a sort of giddy enchantment coupled with a tummy-roiling nervousness; this trip was no exception.

Slightly different skyline in Asuncion

I'll confess something kind of embarrassing: I used to be really afraid of flying. I didn't take my first "grown up" flight (i.e.: one I remembered) until I was 24, and even then only because it was pretty much the sole way to get from Oregon to Ontario without taking a fortnight off work. I still am not a great flyer and I continue to loathe overnight flights (I never sleep on planes which always makes for a hilarious first day of travelling). I don't whimper any more, but for me, travelling is never about the journey- it's all destination, baby. So after 17 hours of waiting in airports, boarding planes, removing and repacking luggage, I was so so ready to just *be* somewhere.

Somewhere lovely. Somewhere like this:

Ugh. I can't believe it snowed again this week. Gross.

I'd been to South America only once before - in Venezuela about 3 years ago- and I jumped at the chance to go again. Latin American politics is actually pretty interesting, even if you're not well-versed in that kind of thing. There's a passion and an unpredictability that makes it engaging, almost like a tele-novella at times and I genuinely enjoy working on a lot of the issues I'm responsible for. You couldn't find two capital cities more close in geography but different in appearance than Buenos Aires and Asuncion, I think. But I fell for them both all the same.

It's a brick... house.

But enough about my nerdiness - let's get to the trip itself.

The main focus of my travels was on Paraguay. Little kind-people-having, land-locked, great food-serving Paraguay. While most of my work brought me to the capital, Asuncion, I also had a chance to visit some of the smaller communities which was amazing on its own.

In Buenos Aires I got to meet first hand with a bunch of my colleagues who were just voices on phone lines, but also got to see the city a bit.
In between the meetings and the taxis and the note takings, I managed to squeeze in a few amazing steaks, some killer wines, some sightseeing, some shopping (duh) and spent a few glorious moments just basking in the sun's rays on little benches here and there. Which doesn't sound like much, but after the winter we've had? Well, let's just say a butterfly landed near my foot and I almost burst into tears.

Hall of Heroes in Paraguay

Don't let the cloudy sky fool you - it felt like 45 degrees in Asuncion that day.

Recoleta Cemetery in Buenos Aires - is it creepy I went here three times? 

Casa Rosada - Buenos Aires' answer to the "White House" I suppose

An awesome little bar in Buenos Aires that's hidden in the basement of a flower shop.

There are these moments, in this weird little life, and I don't care if it's in an opera house halfway around the world or in pub around the corner from your house, or at a friend's cottage, or even in your own backyard, where you just think "Holy crap. I can't believe this is my life." Instances when your heart is so full and your mouth is agape just a little and you think of how completely bizarre it is that everything you've done has somehow led you to this. Like the "you" from 10 years ago would never believe you'd end up here. If you're lucky, those moments are mostly positive ones. I am lucky. This trip was full of those moments.

I went to a concert one night in Paraguay, as part of a public affairs event that had been organized, and I was astounded at the standing room only crowd surrounding me. As a former arts major, I was thinking that you could never get a crowd like this to come to a free concert in French back home, even though it was much more likely to find Francophones there than in the middle of Paraguay. The night was memorable, full of lovely moments. Hearing this spitfire powerhouse of a singer belt Jacques Brel and Edith Piaf with such fervour, such passion that after the first song, the crowd was shouting, whistling, applauding for more. Hearing that same singer charmingly banter back and forth with the crowd, who instantly forgave her her broken Spanish as quickly as she egged them on in easy French. Saying to myself, "I am sitting in a Brazillian cultural centre, in the middle of Paraguay, with a Quebecois singer, singing songs by a Parisian and a Belgian for a Canadian celebration". Drinking wine and eating steak with that same singer, and a bunch of people you don't know and just laughing and talking and daring the Canadians to eat the meat that looks like intestines (it was intestines.)

Life is so wonderfully weird, sometimes, you guys. Not always nice, and not always kind, and certainly not always fair. But man, when it's good to you, it can be so so good. 

El Ateneo, a bookstore built into an old theatre. So basically, the closest thing to church for me.

I won't be such a stranger in the future. Promise.

Flupocalypse

Okay, maybe the title is a little over-the-top, but I am nothing if not true to my dramatic roots.

I am not a shrinking violet, a wallflower or a weak-willed hydrangea (I may have made that last one up.) but this year's Cold N Flu Season (CNFS) is just breaking me down in the worst way. I may not have the strongest immune system but if I do manage to catch something from the myriad of doorknobs, bus poles, and Starbucks countertops I touch each day, my body has the decency to throw it off after about a day or so.

I almost look forward to them, these little mid-week midwinter staycations. I sniffle and cough my way through Let's Make a Deal, The Price is Right, and a couple of judge programs, take a nap, make some toast, and then I'm right as rain by bedtime.

Not so much this time.

What started as a "that's a funny tickle in my throat" on Thursday night had rendered me into a snorting, coughing, leaking mess by Friday morning. And yet, if I'd known how bad I'd be by Monday morning I probably would have gone in to work on Friday. The weekend gave me a bit of a reprieve, I was able to make it to my parents for their excuse to eat exclusively fried foods Super Bowl get together, I managed to croak out a few songs with our Rock Band, No Losers Allowed, but come Monday, I was worse than when I started. I was basically in The Stand, people. M-O-O-N, that spells "Why can't I breathe through my nostrils or my throat?"

I firmly believe in the necessity of sick days and I think people should take them if offered, if only to spare the others in the office from hearing your sick ass sputter its way through briefing sessions, but I personally feel guilty taking more than one in a row. But I really didn't have a choice this time around. Guilt was too strenuous a feeling to have. I had to settle for "general malaise", and even that amount of concern necessitated a 2-hour nap.

The dog was delighted, of course, because as soon as I was on the mend (aka: Thursday, when I had to go back to work so I could accompany a visitor on a programme I'd created), TB came down with whatever I'd had. This meant Lily was surrounded by at least one of her humans all of last week. And plenty of Kleenexes to eat. Whatever I can do to make you smile, hound.

I've finally come out of the haze, still sporting a smashing cough, but at least able to function in an upright position, which is just aces. This is the busiest time of the year at work, so I'm actually relieved to be back, if maybe a little frazzled from the time I spent off.

Basically, every element of this winter, from the temperature, to the sicknesses, to the snowfall, has just been balls. I know I'm stuck on repeat here, but I am just. Done. Let me lie in the snow and let the drifts rush over me, burying me until the hot dog carts are back out.

Self-Improvement World Tour - January check-in

A certain malaise always settles into my bones in January. This winter has been particularly hard on me for some reason, and while the New Year is all about hope and promise and self-actualization, in reality I spend as much of the month eating Bagel Bites as I do on self-improvement. That being said, my year-end post always seems to invigorate me to try to Do Better, at least for a little while.

The incomparable Meg Zandi mentioned that she'd been working away at her resolutions and that reminded me that I had once had goals too. And a tan. And I used to wear fabrics other than polar fleece. I digress.

As I have basically become a hermit due to this terrible-even-for-a-Canadian winter, her post was a good reminder to get off my butt and get some of those indoors activities going.

If you'll recall, my resolutions were as follows:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

I've read my first book of the year, one of the treasures I picked up at the annual Family Christmas Bazaar Extravaganza, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I really liked it, but that's another post. I made butternut squash soup last night for the first time which was very hearty and tasty (okay, full confession, it was a pre-chopped vegetable mix that I added broth, brown sugar, S&P and curry powder to, stuck in the slow cooker, then immersion blended. For shame.) I haven't gone to any new restaurants this month, which I hope to remedy this weekend. Hint, TB. HINT. We tried to go to a few this past weekend but literally every one we walked to was closed for lunch on Saturday. BECAUSE NO REASON.

I've started the hanger trick and, let me tell you, it works. If by works you mean "makes me feel guilty about the clothes I'm not loving enough which I then wear out of sadness". And I know that's what you meant. 

It's a great exercise, actually, because it forces me to realize that a) I really do wear 20% of my clothes 80% of the time and b) there are combinations of clothes that I have not even begun to imagine, child.  Granted, some of these should not be imagined outside of a dress-up box but it's made me see where the gaps in my wardrobe exist and what items I have too many of (*cough* black dresses *cough*)

I also made a list of things that needed doing around the house over the next little bit. Nothing too big (roof replacement, redoing porch) but nothing so small that it could easily be "undone" (tidying up flyers, cleaning floor). If there's anything more satisfying than crossing something off a list... well, it's probably a deftly performed flash mob, but to-do lists are right up there. Right now I'm working on my spare room, which is kind of the forgotten child of the house. I put up an awesome poster the kickass Meaghan designed, and I am* putting up a picture rail so I can put some more art up on that. I'm searching for rugs and putting frames on things and it's actually making me feel accomplished at something more than heating up soup and putting on socks.

And today, as I was getting ready to go home, I saw something I haven't seen at work in ages. The sunset. And it'll be a little earlier tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. And then I will wear flats again. And then we shall be free.

*Boyfriend is

2013: The Wig that Was

I took one for the team this year and only took the 27th and the 3rd off, so my Christmas break was cut quite short, thrusting me back into the land of the working quicker than I might have liked. What better way to unwind than with a little self-reflection? Oh, right. Rum. I could have unwound with rum. Ah well.

2013 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

Owned a dog. Made a Jello shot. Carried a picket sign. Visited a native reservation. Planted a garden.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes and no. My New Year's Resolutions were:

"I want to read a book a month. I want to learn to make 13 new dishes I've never attempted before. I want to go to 13 new restaurants. I will try to stop filling the worry spots inside me with endless shopping. I will attempt better to myself and to others."

I read a grand total of 3.5 books.

I made (or attempted to make): kale chips, mashed cauliflower, apple turnovers, southwestern beef stew, brown sugar shortbreads, earl grey and lemon cookies, slow cooker ribs, mojito jello shots, puff pastry apple dessert, eggplant parmigiana, lobster bisque, smoked salmon dip, quinoa with almonds and raisins, peanut butter pie. That's fourteen! Though, to be fair, the majority of these are not meals I can actually subsist on. The bolded ones are the ones I liked the best.

I definitely went to 13 new restaurants. I'll keep a list this year but off the top of my head the local standouts were: Atelier, El Camino, and Supply and Demand. Add in all four places we went during the Dishcrawl, plus a few during two trips to Toronto, and I'm sure we hit this number and then some this year.

I shopped so much my credit card practically disintegrated. Fail on that one.

I think I'm learning to be a better listener, and I'm definitely trying to be better to others but I haven't been that good to myself this year, honestly.

I know resolutions don't work for everyone but they keep me honest. In January, I made a list of 45 things that I think the house needed. 20 of them have been completed and the joy of crossing them off the list cannot be measured. So I'm keeping many of my resolutions from last year:

• Read 12 books
• Visit 12 new restaurants
• Make 12 new dishes 
• Do that hanger trick once in the winter, once in the summer, to try and downsize my closet
• Make a list of things the house needs done and complete at least half of them

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not close, but a bunch of coworkers and acquaintances did. My friend and I were discussing this the other day, and I think maybe the reason my close friends and I became close in the first place is that we weren't the marrying-young-and-having-kids types, and we knew that even as girls. I think there might be something to that.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank god. This year was rotten enough as it was.

5.  What countries did you visit?

None, sadly. Just a few trips to Toronto and Kingston. The sewer crack in February effectively squashed all travel plans. Hoping our house doesn't spontaneously combust in 2014 so we might actually go somewhere.

6.  What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

A position abroad. A more abundant garden. And a carryover from last year: an inbox that's manageable.

7.  What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 29th: the day Miss Lily became one of the family. Also May 1st. When she decided she didn't want to become part of the family and ran away. Rotten dog.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I'm not sure, really. Lately I feel like kind of a fuck-up so it's hard to really focus on what I did well. But I did a really solid job organizing the visit of a human rights defender from South America this year, I can tell you basic things about myself in Spanish, and my dog's still alive, so ... go me? Compared to last year where I organized a big trip, was a bridesmaid and found and bought a house, this year was kind of a letdown in the "personal growth" category.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Ugh. Let's not get started down this path right now. Suffice it to say, this year was also a letdown in the "professional growth" category.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

I cut through my thumb pretty badly (not stitches-badly but bad enough that it took 6 weeks to heal). Boy that really boiled my potatoes. Maybe a bad headcold in March. 'tis all.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

Ooh... my couch is a treasure. And, I know we can't technically "buy" people, but hiring a cleaning person changed my life in a big way. So the services and time of our lovely helper was a godsend.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

I was even more grateful than usual to have my friends around me this year. Looking around at my parties and realizing what a swell bunch of people have (foolishly) decided to hang out with me really made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The sister and I had a blowout this summer that made me more angry and hurt than I thought possible, and while we've made up, I think it did put a bit of awkwardness there that may not go away so easily. That being said, we're still close it's just... different now, you know?

Ugh. will life ever not be about adjusting to new normals? Probably not.

Also, Rob Ford.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Besides the obvious answer of our basement sewer pipes, I spent the most on: eating out, taxis, Modcloth, vet bills (this dog will not let us cut her nails!!). Striving to do better on all of them (I will cut this dog's nails!!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My friends Sarah and Jackie coming to visit, going to Toronto to see Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo.

16.  What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?

Thrift Shop - Macklemore
The Ballad of Hugo Chavez - the Arkells
I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift (Goat Edition)

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
ii. Thinner or fatter?
iii. Richer or poorer?

Sadder, fatter, poorer. Soak it in! Moving on!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Walking, travelling, reading, keeping up with out-of-town friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Candy Crush (sorry, not sorry) spending frivolously, eating junk.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

On Christmas eve, me and my sis bought semi-matching pjs and wore them while eating awesome food from this place and then guacamole. And then smoked salmon dip. And then Christmas oranges. And then tums. On Christmas, opened presents, had a family friend over for cinnamon buns in the morning and my grandfather and uncle over for dinner that night. Boxing Day went shopping with my sister and dad (read: dad held bags, kept in good humour while we shopped) then went to TB`s parents` to be reunited with my puppy! Oh, and to have dinner with them. Lovely.

21.  How did you spend New Years?

For the first time in years I didn't go anywhere. Stayed at home with TB and Lily until about 11:30 then walked over to the local dive bar for drinks with TB's sister and her friends. Forgot to countdown until midnight. Drank out of a communal champagne bottle. Half-stumbled, half-ran home at around 2:30 or so. It was -30 out that night so while I wish I`d done more, I don't really regret not losing fingers.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2012?

A little more each day. (aww.)

23.  How many one night stands?

I could use a new night stand actually.

24.  What were your favorite TV programs?

Modern Family, Downton Abbey, Breaking Bad (started and finished the show this year. Good. God.), Split Second, Happy Endings, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and oh man, I'm old- Poirot. Good TV saved me this year.

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah. I don't really "hate" anyone, I don't think. There are some people I don't care for at this point, but it would be going too far to say "hate".

26.  What was the best book you read?

As I said, didn't read much. Maybe starting the year by attempting to read "The Stand" was too ambitious - though I'm 800 pages in now! I'd say "Push" by Sapphire was my favourite. Devoured it in an evening and, while depressing, it was really well done and moving as well. And, weirdly, more uplifting and not as soul-wrenching as I thought it would be. Solid solid read.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pretty much the only new music I listened to this year was Young Galaxy. Thanks, CBC radio.

28.  What did you want and get?

A Dyson vacuum! (gamechanger) A puppy! A (mostly happy) end to our strike!

29.  What did you want and not get?

A posting abroad. A vacation. A blog redesign. Motivation. Sheets that won't mysteriously come untucked in the middle of the night, strangling us both.

30.  What was your favorite film of this year?

Oh probably either Despicable Me 2 or Catching Fire. I'm 14.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Decided to throw myself a birthday/Canada Day party at my place and it was a total blast. Jello shots, tequila shots, flaming towers of drinks, people getting into the "dress-up" box, my dog in a bandana, cherry cupcakes, singing of the national anthem, sparklers, sheriff's badges, tumbling into bed at 4 in the morning. And then I was 31.

32.  What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Better job prospects. A dog who consistently remembers to do her business outside. For all my friends to stay in the city instead of moving away.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

"Twee with an edge." It's like last year's "Real-World Vintage" but with a mustard cardigan and colourful tights.

34.  What kept you sane?

If I thought last year's answer of "Online shopping" was cringe-worthy, I don't know quite what to do with this year's answer of "Candy Crush and The Simpsons: Tapped Out". What can I say, mindless entertainment soothes the savage beast.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ty Burrell makes me giddyhappy. And of course, for the 13th year in a row: Paul Rudd.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Quite a year. The Rob Ford thing was annoying, if only because it detracted from the Senate Scandal which I think is more important than an incompetent mayor who can't hold his tongue. The death of Hugo Chavez  and its aftermath was big for me professionally, and fascinating personally. The public service union strikes obviously held my attention for personal reasons, but it really was an interesting time to see what this government thinks of its public servants. And looking to our neighbours below, the "rape culture" stories (Steubenville, etc.) were grotequely, sadly, engrossing. Interesting times, y'all.

37.  Who did you miss?

Jeezum Crow, where do I start? A handful of great colleagues went on language training this year. A friend left for Saskatchewan, one for Russia, one for India. My brunch crew was pretty much decimated this year and I had a rough time with it sometimes. Even having some awesome people come into town was hard because their absence was keenly felt once they were gone.

Bah, next question please.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

Our neighbours invited us over for dinner the other night and they turned out to be some fine, fine folk. Looking forward to getting to know them better this year.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate."

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Really trying to make this a mantra.

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on,
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap,
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you'll fight and you'll make it through,
You'll fake it, if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile

You'll be better, you'll be smarter,
More grown up and a better daughter,
Or son and  a real good friend.

-Rilo Kiley "A Better Son/Daughter"